A day in the life of...

The end of an era...

2011-01-01T14:42:00.000-08:00

01.01.11

Heaven is rejoicing...today, Grandma went to be with Jesus. After a few days of difficult breathing, not much eating or drinking, she let go and was free of this life and moved to the next.

My heart is so grateful for the last moments I had with her, singing to her, telling her how much she means to me, reminding her of the ways she encouraged, challenged and prayed for me. And, the answers to those prayers. Telling her stories of the year we spent together, me caring for her in ways she couldn't care for herself. Such good, good memories. And, when I was finished crying and talking, she quietly mouthed, "thank you." Those were her last words in this life.

I am so overwhelmingly blessed to have such a wise, godly woman as my grandmother, as an example and a giant of faith and life.

I'll miss you so much, Grandma. But I will always cherish the conversations, the memories, the moments I've had with you the past 30 years. I know you are at peace and so excited to be with Jesus. And, I'm incredibly happy that you are finally Home. I love you.

real life...

2009-06-07T07:27:00.000-07:00

sometimes I wonder why I can't just be consistent with writing and keeping up this blog. and then my very next thought? bah. does it matter? don't get me wrong, I do want to keep you updated on life and things going on, but I also am a little wierded out by the fact that anyone in this entire world has access to this and my ramblings. so. yeah.

the past few months have been really, really good. in some aspects. really, really hard in other aspects. and, because of the fact that the whole world does indeed have access and there are some things that are just better held close, I won't go into detail. in short, sickness and disease when it hits close, seem to be some of lifes more difficult challenges. these are the moments when trust is put on the line. do I really believe God has plans to not harm, but to prosper? do I believe He loves us enough to walk us through some very dark times? do I believe he won't give us more than we can handle? yes. yes, I do. I cling to these promises daily.

and, on the home front...grandma keeps keeping on. it seems like with each day, there is just a gradual slowing. this morning, as I was sitting her up in bed, she said, "I just can't do it." when I asked her what, she didn't respond. so, I asked, "do you feel like you can't walk or stand?" "no, I can stand." so, wondering what exactly it was that she felt she couldn't do, I helped her to the restroom to get ready for her day. again, I asked her if she could tell me what it was that she couldn't do. "I can't go there." she wasn't able to and didn't want to talk about it. yesterday we had a similar interaction of her telling me she was having deep thoughts, but that she couldn't talk about it. I'm not always sure what all of this means or what is happening inside. some days I just have to wonder if the aging process is just difficult and perhaps scary. I can't imagine being 89, after living such a full, rich life, pouring your heart into people and doing your best to serve God in every aspect and then to struggle to even articulate what is happening in your head and heart. as we walked past her bed to the kitchen this morning, she paused and looked at it and said, "my bed looks pretty good." I asked her if she'd like some breakfast before she crawled back in and she said she did. however, she was just pretty ready to crawl back in. life is slowing and sleep is welcomed.

this week I had the special gift of two very cherished visitors. its amazing what good, challenging, encouraging, deep conversation does for the heart. I'm convinced now more than ever that isolation is extremely unhealthy. we need people. we need fellowship. we need conversation. we need community. we need those people who are willing to speak truth into our lives, who will challenge and push us, but then encourage and love us where we are. it needs to go deep and honest, it needs to push us to the Father's heart. I'm greatful for friends and family who play this role in my life. I'm so blessed.

sometimes cooking is therapy...

2009-04-29T15:28:00.000-07:00

it hasn't been the easiest of weeks. but thats not an excuse. despite what our days hold, we're called to be grateful and to see God's hand in our circumstances. and to cook. ok, so not really the cooking part. but for me, cooking is a form of therapy. and, after a few days of being home alone with the grandparents, I decided it was time for some new recipe testing. grandma even liked it?! so, must not be that bad, right?!

I've posted for your use, should you care to bravely attack the chicken. slightly labor intensive, but like I said, "therapy!"

The Ultimate Barbecued Chicken Recipe: Food Network

Ingredients
Brine:
2 quarts water
2 tablespoons kosher salt
1/4 cup brown sugar
2 garlic cloves, smashed with the side of a large knife
4 sprigs fresh thyme
6 chicken legs and thighs, still connected, bone in, skin on, about 10 ounces each
The Ultimate Barbecue Sauce:
1 slice bacon
1 bunch fresh thyme
Extra-virgin olive oil
1/2 onion, chopped
2 garlic cloves, chopped
2 cups ketchup
1/4 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup molasses
2 tablespoons red or white wine vinegar
1 tablespoon dry mustard
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1 teaspoon paprika or smoked paprika if available
Freshly ground black pepper
Directions
For the brine, in a mixing bowl combine the water, salt, sugar, garlic, and thyme. Transfer the brine to a 2-gallon sized re-sealable plastic bag. Add the chicken, close the bag and refrigerate 2 hours (if you've only got 15 minutes, that's fine) to allow the salt and seasonings to penetrate the chicken.

Meanwhile, make the sauce. Wrap the bacon around the bunch of thyme and tie with kitchen twine so you have a nice bundle. Heat about 2 tablespoons of oil in a large saucepan over medium heat. Add the thyme and cook slowly 3 to 4 minutes to render the bacon fat and give the sauce a nice smoky taste. Add the onion and garlic and cook slowly without coloring for 5 minutes. Add the remaining ingredients, give the sauce a stir, and turn the heat down to low. Cook slowly for 20 minutes to meld the flavors. Once the sauce is done cooking, remove about 1 1/2 cups of the sauce and reserve for serving along side the chicken at the table. The rest of the barbecue sauce will be used for basing the legs.

Preheat oven 375 degrees F.

Preheat a grill pan or an outdoor gas or charcoal barbecue to a medium heat. Take a few paper towels and fold them several times to make a thick square. Blot a small amount of oil on the paper towel and carefully and quickly wipe the hot grates of the grill to make a nonstick surface. Take the chicken out of the brine, pat it dry on paper towels. Arrange the chicken pieces on the preheated grill and cook, turn once mid-way, and cook for a total of 10 minutes. Transfer the grill marked chicken to a cookie sheet and then place in the oven. Cook the chicken for 15 minutes, remove it from the oven and then brush liberally, coating every inch of the legs with the barbecue sauce and then return to the oven for 25 to 30 more minutes, basting the chicken for a second time half way through remaining cooking time. Serve with extra sauce.

and...the asparagus...most excellent asparagus:

Roasted Asparagus with Hollandaise Recipe: Food Network

Ingredients
Asparagus:
1 pound medium asparagus
1 tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil
1/4 teaspoon kosher salt
Freshly ground black pepper
Sauce:
1 large egg yolk
1 1/2 teaspoons freshly squeezed lemon juice
Pinch cayenne pepper
4 tablespoons unsalted butter (1/2 stick)
1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
Directions
Preheat oven to 450 degrees F.

Trim the woody ends from the asparagus. Spread the spears in a single layer in a shallow roasting pan baking sheet, drizzle with olive oil, sprinkle with salt, and roll to coat thoroughly. Roast the asparagus until lightly browned and tender, about 10 minutes, giving the pan a good shake about halfway through.

Meanwhile, put the egg yolk, lemon juice, and cayenne in a blender. Pulse a couple times to combine.

Put the butter in a small microwave proof bowl and heat in a microwave until just melted. With the blender running, gradually add the melted butter into the egg to make a smooth frothy sauce. If the sauce is really thick blend in a teaspoon of lukewarm water to loosen it up. Season with the salt and serve immediately or keep warm in a small heat-proof bowl set over hot (but not simmering) water until ready to serve.

Spread the roasted asparagus on a serving platter. Grind a generous amount of pepper over the top.

Cook's Note: This recipe can be easily doubled. If you double the recipe, be sure to place the stems on the baking sheet so that the tips are pointed toward the center, and the bottoms are pointed out, toward the edges of the pan. Since the tips are thinner than the stems, they tend to cook faster. However, when roasting, items at the edges of the pan cooked more quickly than those in the center. Taking the time to lace them this way helps the asparagus cook evenly.

trust...

2009-04-22T13:49:00.000-07:00

there are days that we wonder why Jesus is allowing circumstances as they are. they don't make sense. they seem too much. maybe they are too much. they're overwhelming. how can we possibly take one more thing. and yet, deep down, we cling to the truth that He will NEVER give us more than we can handle. and, ALL things work together for the good of those that love Him.

and, as followers, we choose to confidently walk in these truths from the Father. He has plans. He has good in store for us. He sees so much more than we do. He knows us. He knows our needs. He knows what will refine us and make us more like Him. we simply need to follow and trust. He loves us and He has a plan. follow. trust.

"Only by walking with God can we hope to find the path that leads to life. That is what it means to be a disciple. After all—aren’t we “followers of Christ”? Then by all means, let’s actually follow him. Not ideas about him. Not just his principles. Him. " --Eldredge

if for no other reason...

2009-03-25T11:30:00.000-07:00

you know those days when you really don't feel so inspired? this might be one of those days. I keep coming and looking at my blog, hoping to be inspired to write about something. anything. something deep. something funny. something that makes you and me think.

so, for lack of a whole lot to say, I'll keep it short and sweet.

grandpa and grandma are doing relatively well. grandma definitely seems to be slowing down in her walking and in her responses when talked to. I will say though, there is nothing that makes her light up more than the men, yes, I said men, in her life. one has been there for years. he's old, he's grey and he's the love of her life. he's her "special man." and he can get her attention like non other. then there's the other man in her life. he's grey but he's not exactly old. he's been around all his life, but not all hers. and he too, can get her attention like non other. he can get her to smile. he can get her to straighten up and walk like a queen. he's her boy. he's my dad. and she's pretty taken with him. its pretty sweet. so, all of us, me included, have come to the point of not liking it too much when dad needs to leave on weekend or week long trips. why? well, because grandma is just a different person. she slows even more. she responds even less. she stands just a little more hunched over. she smiles less. the minute he walks through that door? she glows.

we saw that glow again today. only it wasn't dad that walked through the door. it was uncle joe. she loves her boys. a lot. they brighten her day even if it wasn't gloomy. there is nothing for grandma like seeing one of her kids walk in the room. it doesn't matter what she's doing or not doing, she stops. she focus's. she straightens up. and she smiles. and she listens. she's taken. she adores her boys and her girl.

and so, we keep going. and we look forward to the visitors that stop in now and then. it makes the days seem shorter and brighter.

so, stop by when you can. :)

strange encounters and sweet obsession...

2009-03-03T13:29:00.001-08:00

how do I attract this stuff?!

this morning I went for coffee with my cousin Rhoda, who everyone has always said I look just like... she and her hubby are missionaries in Tibet and are back to have baby number 2. so...we're sitting there at this coffee shop in Mechanicsburg and these two guys come in, get coffee then start looking at the art in the coffee shop. I'm not really paying attention cause we're talking, but it seems like they're sort of hanging around close to our table. soon, they leave. 5 minutes later, one of the guys comes back in, walks over to our table and says, "excuse me..." sits down at our table...and looks directly at me and goes, "you're really beautiful! are you married or in love?" HA! I'm like, "well, thank you but I do have a great boyfriend!" he says, "ok, so you're dating, but you're not in love yet. well, if that doesn't go well, you should give me a call!" ...and proceeds to give me his card! I was like, "well, I'm flattered but yes, I'm quite happily in a relationship with an awesome guy!" "well, tell him he's lucky!" then, he looks at Rhoda too and says, "you're really beautiful too, but I see you're married!!" and I was like, 'yeah, happily married and happily pregnant!!" she and I are just sort of looking at each-other, trying to not let the situation be more awkward than it already is!! he was nice enough and not creepy, and I could tell he was desperately trying to not look like a fool! so, he says again, "so, if that doesn't work out, let me know. I really am a nice guy and I'm sorry for interrupting and looking dumb!" and he leaves?!!! HA! I wanted to be like, "um, yeah, quite happily in a relationship with an amazing man who also FAR exceeds your mediocre looks!" HOW MEAN IS THAT??!!

back at the home, the fun never ceases...

I've finally figured out how to get grandma to stand up tall and walk straight! novel idea, huh?!

we're coming out of the bedroom, getting her to her chair for visitors and she's leaning. hard. and, I'm getting nervous cause I'm thinking, "if you go down, its gonna be a fun time!" all of a sudden, she straightens up, stands tall and starts carrying her own weight?!!! I look and she is FIXED on grandpa, standing in the living room, PERFECTLY placed! she cruises in there with NO problem. as we're getting settled, I say, "Grandma, I think I just figured out how to get you to walk straight! we just put grandpa wherever you're going and have him stand there, waiting for you. you totally just perked up and got focused on him and walked great?!!" Grandpa started chuckling and wouldn't stop!! it was so great. he never gets tired of hearing how much she adores him. it makes me happy.

I want to be like that when I'm 90.

an attempt at fixing the negligence...

2009-03-01T16:05:00.000-08:00

I know. its been awhile. quite awhile. but, what can I say, a lot has been happening...a lot.

update on grandma first though. she's been slowing down a fair amount, still walking, still talking, but just slower. tonight, when I took her to the restroom, and asked the standard question, "would you like to sit a little?" instead of a simple yes or no, she said, "you decide." hmm. "but grandma, I'm not sure what you need. what does your tummy say?" "my tummy says you should decide." :) I love her. a lot.

and...on the way out of the bedroom from her afternoon nap...she catches site of grandpa in the kitchen and is completely taken, watching him off to her right, and not watching at all where she's going. at this season of life, its not really a good thing for her to walk without watching where she's going because she leans wherever she's looking! grandpa chuckles and tells her to watch where she's going. I asked her if she was distracted by a handsome man. "yes, he's important. I was distracted by an important man." she's so in love. I love watching them sit in the living room, holding hands, just looking at eachother, without saying a word. its priceless really.

they're good. its a rich time to get to be with them. life is slow. they're at peace. they're enjoying these last days together.

where have I been? growing, learning, stretching, resting, enjoying, experiencing, anticipating, receiving...and well, traveling. three weeks in Colorado, which my heart loves. a week in Pennsylvania and a week in DC. CO was full of training, intensity, depth, healing, growth and fulfillment. PA was an awesome week of wedding coordinating and DC...well, DC was an adventure, full of unknowns, excitement, anticipation and new relationship! a week that won't be soon forgotten. yes, there is so, so much more to each of these as you can imagine, but I've decided that it will have to come in pieces...as I am able to put them into words. as my heart is ready to spill. so, you'll have to wait. or, you could email me. thats always an option.

until then...life is good. really good. there is peace. there is vision. there is excitement. there are unknowns. there is grace. lots of grace.

tendency to growth...

2009-01-27T07:09:00.001-08:00

this is a week of training for me. internship. counseling. seeing into other people's lives. watching God reveal truth and change lives. its pretty incredible. and intimidating. it immediately causes me to ask questions about myself. to begin introspection, yet again. right when I thought I had relaxed a bit and was able to quit over-analyzing my own life and heart just a bit, well, its back, full swing. but, I think its ok. I want to know truth. I want to have a free heart. I hate baggage. and of course, we all have it. but it seems its really more just a matter of understanding what that baggage is so Jesus can come in and clean it up, we can forgive and we can keep walking through life, caring for other people well. it really doesn't need to be so complicated like I often try to make it.

thats just a small part. the rest? well. its showing me more of what I know of my own heart, my own desires, dreams and ideas. but, that dosn't change where I am today, what I've been called to for now. and in that, I must rest. I must trust. I must commit those things to the Fathers heart to worry about. "fret not, it tends only to evil doing." really? evil doing? just for fretting? got it. trust. lean. rely. delight. be confident. commit. rest. be still. patiently lean. trust. trust. trust. its all right there and its all pretty clear.

conviction...

2009-01-25T07:01:00.000-08:00

Philippians 4:8 (The Message)

Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.

the fireplace in her dressing room...

2009-01-17T17:43:00.000-08:00

thats right. Grandma has a fireplace in her dressing room. she also has a personal tooth brusher. and, she has a pj warmer. and she loves it. nearly every night, I hear, "I just keep thinking about how you spoil me..."

fireplace? dressing room? personal tooth brusher? pj warmer??? about now you're thinking either I'm crazy or dad built much more of a house than you originally thought he did.

we have a little space heater. we have a nice, big, two sink restroom. there's me. and, there's the dryer. its all pretty simple really. Grandma's days are short. we're not sure how long we get to have her around. and, the way I figure, why wouldn't I make those last days as special, as sweet and as comfortable as I can possibly think up. so, every night, when its time for bed, I start the space heater in the bathroom. then, I take her pj's and throw them in the dryer for 10 min. next, we hobble to the bathroom and I brush her teeth. the other night, with the tooth brush in her mouth and tooth paste on its way to running to her lap, she giggles and says, "don't you just love brushing someone else's teeth??" I nearly rolled on the ground laughing! when I got myself under control, I said, "don't you just love having someone else brush your teeth?!" her reply required no thought, "YES!" the next night, again, through a foamy mouth and tooth brush, she said, "I hope you have someone to brush your teeth when you get old!"

its really not that difficult. I've been given a treasure. the treasure of loving on and pampering Grandma for her last days. its a priviledge. she is truly a joy to care for.

good reminders...

2008-12-26T08:52:00.001-08:00

this morning I've been perusing some old friends blogs. oh the memories. its amazing to see people change, grow, mature and becoming all that we've been created to be. and, to remember where we've come from, what we've changed out of, what we've been saved from.

I've also been reading Christmas posts. and, I hesitated to even write something because I wasn't sure where to go with it. but here I am. and here I go.

this Christmas the thing that has been the biggest treasure to me has been time with family and close friends. the kindred spirits. the hearts that are seeking growth, change, pursuit of holiness. the conversations of what it means to love. to forgive. to change. to serve. the iron sharpening iron. the challenges of becoming more of who we are created to be. the times of intercession. of thankfulness and expressing the deepest greatfulness in our hearts. these are the things that fill my heart, that bring joy, that overwhelm me with what life is all about and with what God has so richly blessed me with.

I've been in Pennsylvania the last week. tomorrow I head to NY for a week or two. and, I'm blessed. very blessed with an amazing family and incredible friends. I lack nothing. sure there are dreams. there are desires. there are things I'd love to do and see and experience in life. but for now. I lack nothing.

(oh, and there's this)

if you visit my blog, whether you're a first timer, or a regular. I'd love to hear from you, know why you come, what your thoughts are, what your response is to the deep or not so deep things are that I rant about. I'd just love to hear from you. I'd love to "meet" you! :)

the busted hip won't win!

2008-12-19T13:42:00.001-08:00

so, you know that whole hip surgery deal back in August? well, I refuse to let it win. I'm at month 4 and still not 100%, but hey, it is month 4 right?

monday I went for my first run since surgery. it was short and it was sweet, but it was a run none-the-less. and frankly, it didn't feel too bad. then, I got sick for a few days, so haven't run since, but oh, do I intend to!!

the idea of never running distance again just about kills me. no more marathons or half's? not ok. I must. and yet, I also realize I may just need to let it go all together at some point. but for now, I'm not quite ready. not at least until I try a few more runs and decide its never to be.

for now, I'll keep working towards it, keep building miles, keep adding a bit of speed...slowly, I know! but I will be persistent. the surgery won't win on this one. no sir, it won't.

and, if anyone has suggestions for quick recovery of my running schedule, I'm all ears! :)

its what counts...

2008-12-18T13:46:00.000-08:00

I guess its been a few days and after the amount of posting I was doing last week, you're probably wondering what has happened. not a whole lot really. although, I did get sick for a few days which slowed my already incredibly slow life down to less than a crawl.

grandpa continues to do well. its incredible to think that this time last week, he was saying his goodbyes. its surreal really. I believed him, because he believed it. and, for as long as I've known grandpa Showalter, he's usually right! not this time. it wasn't his last night, and we truly have no idea when his last night will be. he's doing very well. well, as well as a 90 year old probably should be doing! he's still loving on grandma, making sure she's comfortable and taken care of. and I love it. I love watching him love her. its pretty sweet.

last Friday I had a quick, fleeting hope that turned into a prayer. asking Jesus to let Keith and Rhoda get here before Grandpa passes away. and, He did. they got back from Nepal lastnight and were able to stop by today to see them. its just pretty special the timing the Father has.

this weekend we travel and then I'm gone for a few weeks. and, I can't help but wonder what will happen while I'm gone. but there again, I have to trust, I have to just rest in the fact that His ways are not my ways, His thoughts are not mine. He has such great plans, that will bring glory to Himself, and thats what counts. and, its what counts for all areas of this season of life.

to post or not to post?

2008-12-15T15:31:00.001-08:00

my fear in actually posting this, is that my uncles will disown me! :) and that perchance, my cousins will show up on the front door step to beat me or worse, stone me?!

when I first got here, dad warned me, "grandma can fall for anyone, you included. so, just be prepared." right. of course. I know this. sure it could happen, but I just won't let it! mmhmm.

and before I even describe the events of this marvelous afternoon, I just need to tell you that last week, grandma thought I was awesome! dad asked her if I was taking good enough care of her and she says, "oh yes!" and so dad asked what specifically that meant. she replied, "because she gives me everything I want!"

I, was in her good graces.

so today...

grandma got up from her nap, went to the restroom and we were making the trek to her rocking chair in the living room. we got up to the chair and were about to do the swivel to get her in place, but there was a pillow on her chair that needed to be moved before she could sit down. so, I took a step in front of her, and to her right, and reached for the pillow. as I did this, she started to lean and lean and lean some more...to her left. and from there, straight to the ground! laughing, the whole way down. I however, wasn't laughing! I was shaking, convinced we were about to break the good hip that was used to provide stability, strength and all mobility!

so, I yelled for dad and he helped her get up. once she was up, I said, "grandma, that wasn't fun! lets not ever do that again, I'm shaking!" she chuckled and said, "I thought it was fun!!"

she's fine, nothing was broken, except perhaps my pride.

and grandpa?? well, you'd never know he had high BP and was saying his goodbyes just a few days ago. he's up, he's chipper, he's eating, he's back helping get grandma situated the way he thinks she should be. he's just fine, so it seems.

what a life we live!

sometimes I doubt...

2008-12-14T18:27:00.001-08:00

I do. I doubt. I question my worth, my value. I question really, if I have enough faith, if that mountain will move. I doubt that there really are indeed good things in store for me. I doubt my purpose and my future. I doubt that my dreams have purpose and that God really truly wants to fulfill them. I imagine maybe they're silly and worthless, instead of agreeing with the fact that as I delight myself in the Father, He WILL plant HIS desires in me...for a purpose.

thats a lot of doubting. and, lately, God's been convicting me on the sin in that. I've identified with a lie if I've believed that God doesn't love me. doesn't have a plan for my life. doesn't want to fulfill those dreams He's put in my heart. didn't create me with purpose, for a reason, in His image. its sin. I've agreed with something other than the heart of God. and I want to change that. I want to agree with truth. consistently.

its easy for me to believe these things for everyone else. I can believe and agree and affirm that He has created you for good things. that He has a great plan for your life. that there is purpose in the ways He has you waiting, or the ways He's currently stretching you. I can see the bigger picture. for you.

why is it so hard for me to grasp and truly internalize these things for me? is it just me, or is this a common problem? do I have some innate, deep rooted issue? why can't I have the faith of a child? what is the faith of a child? its a kid that will jump off a counter top and believe that you're not going to let them crash to the floor. its a kid that believes that when they're hungry, mom will get them something to eat. its a kid that truly believes that if they ask Jesus for a bike, He'll provide one. after all, why wouldn't He? I did that once. I asked Jesus for a new bike. guess what, He gave me one! so why do I still doubt? has He ever, ever let me down? has He ever not provided for me? has He ever allowed anything I can't handle?

no. no, He most certainly hasn't. He has blessed me so, so much. He has given me an amazing, awesome family. He has given me deep, incredible friendships. He has provided the necessity's in life. I have so much more than I need. I even have some things I want?! imagine that. :)

I want to walk in the faith of a child. I want to agree with the truth that the Father has created me with great purpose. HIS purpose. to be loved by Him, to love Him, to love others well, to worship Him and to be Jesus to the people around me. I want to walk in these truths. consistently. its a journey. I'm far from perfect. so far. I know that its a day to day walk. but I want this lesson to continue to go deep, to be rooted so firmly in me that I never question what truth is. I'm not here for me. I'm not created for my pleasure. I'm created for HIS pleasure. and the minute I get caught up in questioning His plans, His provision, His fulfillment of MY dreams...I become selfish, I lose focus on what really matters, I forget who I am and WHO I belong to.

I don't ever want to forget that again.

...and speaking of faith? an hour after I wrote this, I was asking Jesus, if it would please Him and could be part of his plan, to get me onto an earlier flight out of Philly so I could get home to attend a Christmas program with mom and dad. and despite the crazy logistics, the flight agent who didn't start out very nice and my temptation to doubt? Jesus got me a seat on that earlier flight. and it turned out I was "a service to US Air?!"

He loves me. a lot.

don't make it happen...

2008-12-13T16:24:00.000-08:00

on the plane today, I started back into a book by Eldredge that I've been slowly making my way through, "Walking with God." I love it. he speaks so much truth. he reminds us of ways we make agreements with lies that need to be renounced, and then how to make agreements with truth. today the focus was not trying so hard to make things happen. I identified with it and I wanted to share...

"I gave God permission, when we were driving back from the hospital on Labor Day weekend, to rebuild my personality based on His love. Right now I don't feel that its based on His love at all. It feels built upon Make it Happen.

Even though my hands are both in casts, making it hard to make things happen, its not impossible. I could miss this opportunity for transformation and just push through. But my soul needs healing here, in this. Even this morning, while praying and reading Scripture, flies were buzzing on the window, and I felt I should take a magazine and kill them. Take care of that. Like I could hit a moving object. I couldn't even hit a slug right now, but that doesn't occur to me. I ought to get those flies is but one of a hundred versions of Make it Happen.

Lord Jesus, have mercy. This is so deep in me. I hardly know what to do, what to say. Have mercy. Heal me here, in this. Heal me in your love...

...Jesus, I sanctify all of my gifts and all of my abilities to make it happen to you now. I bring them to you, Jesus, to serve you and not my godless approach to life. I ask that your love would heal that part of me that feels I must make it happen, that all things--especially my happiness--are up to me. I invite your love to come to this place and heal. And, Jesus, I repent of that part of me that needs to make things happen. I transfer my trust from my ability to make things happen to your love and goodness." --John Eldredge, Walking with God, pg. 102-104.

a reason to smile...

2008-12-12T08:23:00.000-08:00

one thing you need to understand about Grandpa Showalter, if you don't already, is that he's generally serious. life is serious. we have responsibilities, we should take things seriously and at times, somberly. He's just a sober person. don't get me wrong, Grandpa does laugh, he does enjoy humor, he smiles, he is kind and gentle. but for the most part, he's pretty serious.

yesterday afternoon and evening, when he seemed to have made a conscious decision that his time was near, he started smiling, a lot. he was almost chipper. he was at peace. there was a sense of giddyness in him. unlike I've seen in years, if ever. something had switched.

this morning, he's up, he's in his chair. he's had something to eat. and, his blood pressure is back down to normal. he slept all night and with the lowering of his BP, he seems to be feeling just a bit better. but the grin, that smile on his face, the excitement exuding from him? its still there. he knows his time is near and he's excited. he's so ready to see Jesus.

these last 48 hours or so have been absolutely incredible for me. we really don't know when exactly Grandpa will go see Jesus. thats not something we can predict, but as he is preparing, anticipating, getting ready for that moment, its like we get to stand there on the edge of heaven with him. it must be one of the sweetest things. I could have chosen to stay in Alaska, to not change much, to not quit my job, to not make the big move, to sit in apprehension of the future and not take the plunge into the unknown. but I didn't. and now? now I get these precious, precious moments with two of the most amazing people I've known in my life. I get to soak in their grace and wisdom, the love they have for each other, the love they have for Jesus. I get to experience something great.

come here, I want to kiss you...

2008-12-11T16:45:00.000-08:00

I've never seen a couple, so in love, so aware of eachother, so deeply caring for eachother.

as I mentioned in my last post, grandpa isn't doing well. he's been in bed the last two days, not eating, throwing up and with very high blood pressure.

this evening, he asked for dad, so dad went in and sat on his bed. he started telling him where his leftover change was, and just last minute details that seemed as if he was "wrapping things up." grandma was in the living room, so I asked her if she'd like to go in the bedroom to be with grandpa. I told her he had just told dad he felt like he was doing worse and worse. so, she wanted to go. we walked in, and I walked her close to his bed. he smiled and reached for her hand. she took his hand and said, "how are you feeling?" he replied with tears and said, "I think this is my last night." she turned to me and said, "I can't hear him, what did he say?" I, through my tears and holding her, said, "he told you he thinks this is his lastnight." she started to cry and said, "he did?" and then turned back to him and said, "I miss you." he pulled at her hand and said, "come here, I want to kiss you." we helped her walk close to the bed and she sat on the side of the bed and held him and cried while he kissed her goodbye.

he wanted to make sure she had dinner, and asked a few times, "did you have your dinner? what did you have? did you have soup?"

I got her ready for bed and put her in her hospital bed, facing grandpa, moved everything out of the way so she had a clear line of site to him.

she loves him. he loves her. more than anything in the world, I want my life to be as full as theirs has been.

what really matters...

2008-12-11T08:25:00.000-08:00

there are times I let little things get in the way of what really matters. I start to get frustrated over not having directions I need, over icy roads, over windshield wipers that don't work. over a pen that doesn't work when I "desperately" need it. over an iphone that isn't displaying directions I finally got, appropriately, and because I'm so focused on trying to figure it out, I nearly take out a guardrale. sure, these things matter, they do. and yet, when it comes down to it, it really just doesn't.

lastnight, I was headed in to Columbus to have dinner with my cousins and all of the aforementioned things were happening, one right after another. to the point that I was like, wait a second, what is going on here? what is the deeper issue here? so, I started praying. and as I committed my time, my drive, my car...all of it to the Father...He brought other things to mind that need to be interceeded on behalf of. by the time I got to the edge of Columbus, I was thrilled with the time I was having with the Father and the ways He was allowing me to be a part of his Kingdom with intercession. and, I realized what the bigger picture really was.

yesterday Grandpa started getting sick. his BP skyrocketed and he threw up a few times. he's weak and a bit dizzy, but otherwise in no pain. he slept most of the day and never really wanted to get up. by evening, his bp was up to 218/108. not good. so, dad helped him to bed and I went to sleep in the night duty room as usual. I wasn't sure if I'd get any sleep, unsure how the night would go, how Grandma would do, if Grandpa would need anything. and yet, it was quiet, too quiet. Grandma didn't sleep much, she was concerned. but, Grandpa slept all night and seemed to sleep soundly.

this morning, dad called the doctor and they said he needs to get to ER quickly. after talking to Grandpa, they decided we wouldn't take him in. he said he's lived a good life and he's not in pain, so he'd rather just stay here. we'll do our best to keep him as comfortable as we can, but its hard. its hard to see, its hard to know he can't last long in these conditions. I went in to check on him a few minutes ago, asked him how he was doing, and what it felt like. he said, "it feels like I'm just ready to go." he said there is no pain, he just wants to rest. and Grandma won't leave his side. even if she's not sleeping, she's in her bed, next to him, just watching him. I asked her how her heart was, if she was doing ok and she said, "I'm not sure..."

what really matters? at the end of the day, when the windshield wipers haven't worked well, when I've gotten frustrated with directions...what really matters, is the last moments I get with two of the wisest people I know. two people who have passionately loved and followed Jesus. who have spoken truth and have shared Jesus with many. they have walked in integrity, with strong character. they have built a strong, deeply rooted family on God's heart and promises. they are leaving a legacy.

thats what really matters.

come in, have a seat, grab some coffee...

2008-12-10T05:49:00.000-08:00

I decided it was time for a new template. so, I do what I know to do and start searching the interweb for free templates for my blog. turns out, there are plenty. so, I find the one I love the most, follow the directions for entering an HTML template, but not minding the part about "if you don't want to lose the information from your current template, please download and save to your desktop for future use." didn't think I needed it?!

so, I click on my blog site and happy with what I see, I start trying to figure out how to make edits, how to change the side bar, how to add new posts, how to organize it all. I'm completely locked out and unable to do anything to my blog. no edits, no changes, no new posts. hmm, no idea. so, I change my status on facebook, asking for help! but, no help arrives!? where are all my web genius friends?!!! they've left me!! how will anyone ever find my blog if this one dies and I have to start a new one?? do I have to start from scratch?? now what??

I slept on it. and that was a smart idea.

this morning, I get up and think, "I wonder what might happen if I just type in "blogspot.com", maybe I can re-log in or something. turns out, when I typed that in, it takes me directly to my editing dashboard! ha! yesss! I'm a happy girl, a very happy girl. not only do I have my red couch that I love, I now have access to making changes on my blog, my very sweet, new RED blog, mind you!

oh the things I worry about?!! :)

past lessons

2008-12-09T14:46:00.000-08:00

so, I was going back today, re-reading some of my posts from last April and May. remembering the winter in Juneau, the smoke in the Capitol, the questions, the ponderings...reading about how I had so many questions about where God was taking me, what was next, how I would know, what would become of me.

there are definitely still some of those same questions, but mostly, I just need to say that today, here, in this place, I have so much peace. I guess I can't fully see how its all tied together, but to think of all that has happened this year and all that God has taught me, is pretty awesome! to see how far I've come, how much I've been stretched and to now see the rest that is here...well, its just worthy of mentioning! God is just really good and knows my heart, my needs, my dreams, my desires so, so much better than I do. and, I'm grateful!

not so deep thoughts by me...

2008-12-09T08:37:00.001-08:00

I was sitting here, trying to think up something deep and profound, but I guess my deepness is left wanting today?! so, the little things of what my day has looked like so far will have to suffice, as potentially un-amusing or uninteresting as they may sound...

we have home health for grandma. every Mon-Fri at 8am, we get a nurses aide at our door, coming to help grandma for the morning. now, as a disclosure, for starters, I'm her over-protective granddaughter and I'm quickly learning how she likes things done. secondly, I worked as an aide for 7 years, in pretty much any and all establishments that utilize the training of a certified nurses aide. that said, some of the "help" we get, just doesn't quite get it. they're super sweet, don't get me wrong, but they can't seem to wrap their minds around the training and specifics we try to fill them in on when they come to help grandma. and, frankly, its frustrating. I want grandma feeling safe, confident and cared for in every possible way. long story short, this morning wasn't the greatest. so, I do my best to let it go, to help as best I can, to be as gentle and honest as I can...and, I still let it go!

thats how it goes in these parts. thats what my days consist of. these are the important things in life right now. and its good.

I've moved, now what?

2008-12-05T12:44:00.000-08:00

turns out Ohio isn't all that bad! and the nursing home? also isn't that bad! :) especially when its home to people you particularly love. and, grandpa and grandma showalter happen to be two of those residents I love. a lot.

I've wondered how the change of pace and transition from "busy" to "slow" would go...and I'm pleased to report its going quite well! I sit and wonder, and chuckle at times, at just how different my life has become these days. and, how quickly that change has taken place. I went from watching policies changing, participating in Lt. Governor staff duties, management, writing, etc. from singing on the worship team once or twice a month, going for coffee with girlfriends, taking trips back and forth from dreary Juneau...to simply watching the snow fall. these days, we sit and laugh as Jimi finds his way up on to grandma's lap. we watch the stray dogs wander around the pond, not realizing their fate as dad races for his .22. we notice the temperatures rising and falling, and remark at how quickly its gotten cold. we watch the pond freeze over and estimate how soon we'll be able to walk on it. and, we watch national geographic videos...sometimes. its quiet, very quiet. this Monday, the average age was 78. grandpa's three sisters came to visit for his 90th birthday party and what a riot! the aunts are hilarious! they tell stories, they whistle and hum at the same time, they are easily amused with Jimi skidding across the kitchen floor as they toss his toys. they're a good time!

transition is good. change is good. new perspective and fresh scenery is good, very good. and, my heart is good. its resting. its soaking. I'm still not fully sure of the reason or the purpose of these changes and transitions, but I'm embracing and enjoying them as fully as I can. each day holds simple, little things that bring joy to my heart. its amazing the things you notice when you really just let everything slow to a crawl. I don't think I really knew it was possible! I love action, I love intentional pursuits, I love focused, intense projects, I love busy, I love crowds, I love travel, I love new things, I love goals, I love organization, I love structure and schedule...but, its good to rest too, very good.

sometimes I can't sleep...

2008-10-31T01:17:00.000-07:00

...and tonight its because I chose the comfort of coffee after dinner at my last Family Night. is that silly? potentially. but, comfort is sort of a big deal to me right now, and whether or not coffee should be comfort, is debatable. but today, it was. and, I'm ok with that.

what I'm also ok with is those moments I crawl in my car to go somewhere and Jesus gives me a song that is also comfort. this just happened. on Tuesday at 4:07pm to be exact. ok, so not entirely sure on the minute, but I like 7's, so I'll go with it. God's been giving me a few songs recently, in different ways. one through a friend who knew I needed it...and, another through K-LOVE...

this is the most recent one that I thought I'd share...when the shoe fits, wear it. I'm wearing this shoe.

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

(Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This *is* something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time *to* breathe in and let everything out

here's to you, Marj!

2008-10-13T21:32:00.000-07:00

so, I was wondering around some blogs tonight and kind of got stuck, musing through Marijke's blogs. they're just good. really good. I wonder where she gets this stuff, how its inspired, why its so awesome, and why can't I do it to?! I don't blog much, but when I go read Marijke's, I'm inspired. I want to write more, I want to dream, I want to come up with cool, fun, creative posts. it makes me want to write. and yet, do I have time? hm.

hopefully this winter, when life slows down a bit and I travel south and quit my job, maybe then? who knows. we'll see.

got any inspiration for me?

for now, its all too deep, too raw, too close to blog about.

:)

posting with integrity?

2008-09-08T21:41:00.000-07:00

some of you may have seen a post I made earlier today. after thinking a lot, chatting with mom and my friend parker, I decided it would be best to pull it. for those of you who have been asking me questions about the recent decisions made in the political world, I'd be happy to share my thoughts, you'll just need to let me know! :) and, I'll need your email address...you know where to find me.

also...meet Jimi!

2008-09-08T18:17:00.000-07:00

Jimi just made his big move to Alaska from Arkansas. we're quickly becoming best buds, although, he's going to have to fatten up a bit so I don't hurt him petting him?!! he currently weighs 1lb 13oz and will probably only gain another lb or 2. he's great!

you can call me gimpy...

2008-08-12T22:08:00.000-07:00

what a week. I've realized that you can go into something, feeling completely prepared, prepped, and educated by trained, PHD professionals...and still have completely different results.

I had hip surgery. it was "non-invasive arthroscopic hip surgery." "we'll put you under, the actual surgery will only take about 2 hours and you'll wake up probably 20-30 min after that. we'll hold you in the out patient recovery room for about an hour then you can go home. it will be fairly quick and simple because of your age, health and strength. you'll probably not be able to put weight on it for 2 days or so and then you can start walking gradually on it. easy."

mmhm. right.

but first, you're probably wondering, "wait! why? what?? why did you need THAT?" I run. I ran. I wish I could run. I had a tear in the labrum in my hip joint as well as a compacted femoral head joint. the tear needed to be fixed and the compacted joint needed to have some bone shaved off so I had better range of motion.

so...

pre-op started at about 1pm, 2 and a half hours later than originally planned, but no big deal. during this portion, I got into my sweet paper gown, gramma circulation sock (on my NON-surgeryized leg, mind you?!), footie's and a cool paper hair cap. they started IV's and walked me to the surgery room. I sat on the side of the bed, they explained that they just needed to put a sticky monitor on my back first. they did and then....well, then I heard myself saying, "where's Keith? where's Keith?" "who's Keith?" "oh, Keith? he must be her brother." "KRISTINE...KRISTINE...he's here, we're getting him." I guess if you yell to a person coming out from under anesthesia, they hear better?! not sure.

surgery went as planned, Keith and Sandi were there to greet me when I woke up, as planned. I however, did NOT wake up, as planned. I guess I was in so much pain that they kept giving me valium shots, every 10-15 min just to ease the pain. Keith says I'd start moaning and my brow was all wrinkled up, so they'd give me a shot and 30 seconds later, my head would fall back and I was out...only then, they'd have to start yelling at me to breath because I'd quit?! all I remember is just wanting to be left alone so I could relax and sleep my way out of this awful situation.

then came the cinnamon apple sauce. WHO gives a patient, IN PAIN, coming out of being heavily drugged, CINNAMON apple sauce?!!? seriously. so, they crush my pill up, hoping it will give me longer amounts of pain relief...and put it in my apple sauce. apparently, I wasn't ok with the cinnamon!

3 and a half hours later, the nurses finally kicked me out of out patient recovery, half drugged and not remembering a thing. I guess I don't respond so well to anesthesia?! note to self.

Keith, Sandi and Renee carried me up the stairs to my bed, gave me some meds upon which I immediately threw up. but, the best part? Renee wanted to take care of me, so was right by my side (her AND her weak stomach), took my puke bucket to the bathroom and immediately threw up herself! all of a sudden, I hear her laughing hysterically...yeah, her stomach is weak. quite.

the next few days consisted of great friends making sure my ice machine, pumping ice cold water into a brace around my waste and hip was always functioning, bringing me crackers and 7-up, keeping track of when I took my meds, and carrying flowers in to the end tables so I could see them. I, was miserable. and, after 4 days of not being able to keep anything other than FRESH apple sauce with no cinnamon (thanks to Sarah!), and cottage cheese down, I began to wonder what was wrong. so, after two days and many calls to my surgeon, I realized my meds were way to high of a dose and had new ones prescribed. IMMEDIATELY I felt like a different person.

I'm happy to say I ventured to Walmart on day 5, crutches and all and made it! I had to get out! and, I definitely needed those pain meds upon my return!! steps are still a challenge, but can be handled, one at a time.

my lesson: if you've never had surgery or anesthesia before...you just really, really don't know how you'll respond till you experience it for yourself. no matter how many stories you hear, no matter how many opinions you get, educated and uneducated...you just won't know.

I'll live. I'll be fine. I may even run again one day. I sure hope so. for now...I'll sit on my couch, take a few meds, watch the olympics and be grateful the "bad" meds are out of my system and I can eat and think straight again.

letting off the hook

2008-08-04T22:27:00.000-07:00

I love how God doesn't give up on me. I love that He constantly has lessons for me, He's constantly teaching and leading me. He's constantly refining me. I love that despite the storm, despite the questions, despite the valley's...He's still there, walking with me, holding my hand, guiding and showing me specific things I need to see, at the right time. this...is what relationship with Jesus is all about.

I am in the journey and Jesus is speaking to my heart. He knows my name, He knows my desires, He knows my needs. after many months of questions, unsettlement...there are answers at the end of the tunnel. He is confirming the subtle desires, questions of my heart.

I think there is an element of holding ourselves to a certain standard, to impressing those around us to a point, there is a need to prove ourselves. we feel like if we're not doing specific things, or holding specific positions, our value is diminished. we think that if we respond wrong or handle a relationship poorly, God will somehow remove his grace, remove His love for us.

this is a lie the Father is tearing down in me, in my head, in my heart. my value is not in what I do, where I go, who I work for, what position I have. its not in who I date, in what ministry I'm a part of, in what charity I support. my value is simply, simply, in the fact that I am a child of Jesus. He created me to love me and to be loved by me. He created me to worship Him, to love others well and to love life. thats it. if I can't find my contentment in this simplicity, I have work to do.

I've let myself off the hook. I'm tearing down the misconceptions that I have to "be" something special, that I have to impress or prove myself. I'm soaking. I'm being loved. I'm resting.

forgetting the truth, given in the light

2008-07-29T21:54:00.000-07:00

you know, sometimes, its just too easy to forget the things God has shown me in the light. sister gently reminded me today to go back and read my last post. so, I did. and, I was yet again, reminded of things Jesus has promised me. His care for me, His love for me, His patience with me as I stumble, get back up, discover new things. its easy when you're walking in the dark, to forget the truth that was given in the light.

this past week hasn't been easy to say the least. so, in the middle of the darkness, sister has yet again come to my rescue, and asked the Father for hugs along the way. and, He has answered.

a few days ago, I was sitting down to lunch, waiting for a friend when the waiter approached. me, being on the verge of tears, hardly wanted to look at him, unsure what exactly what was showing on my face. as he came up, he asked very gently and sweetly, if there was anything he could bring me. it was simple, probably unnoticeable to anyone else...but I noticed. God hugged me in that moment of care and concern.

a day later, as I was debating a trip to Haines with the girls, checking prices and determining it was most certainly outside my budget...they both chipped in and helped get my ticket so I could get out of town and rest my over-thinking. again, God hugged me, through my friends, through generosity, through kindness, through the gift of making me laugh a lot, through listening ears and shoulders to cry on. I have amazing friends!

once in Haines, I got to meet up with my good friends Jason and Naomi and was sharing with them the ways God had been hugging me. a little while later, Jason pulled a bottle of white wine out of his bag and said, "I brought a little gift for you, Kris..." wondering why in the world he had brought me wine, I looked closer and noticed it had my name on it, spelled correctly?! yet another gift that that reminded me how much my Father loves me, through a friend reaching out in one of my love languages and giving me a "hug". through a simple, thoughtful, unique and sweet gift.

a few days later, Naomi came and gave me a hug, telling me she really wanted to give me a card to express her heart and love for me, but since she couldn't find the right one, she told me in person how much she loved me, that she was praying for me, encouraged my heart and then handed me some hand-made, glass earrings...loved, loved, loved.

these are unique, they're my hugs from God, they're special...they may not make sense to you, whoever you are reading this. but, what are the gifts God has been giving you? what are the hugs, reminding you how special you are? what are the ways He is prompting you and saying, "I've created you so I can love you, care for you, and surround you with others that I love...you ARE blessed." how is He calling you to love those around you, to be that caring shoulder, to give a small, sentimental gift that means the world, to smile at someone walking by who you have no idea what they may be going through...how can you let Jesus love someone through you today?

I'm far from there, I have much to learn, my heart needs further healing and restoration. but, in the middle of all of this, I never want to forget and be grateful for the ways the Father is loving me and holding me. after all, if I can soak in that, what else really matters??

not-so-pointless

2008-06-19T19:54:00.001-07:00

I started yesterday with a pointless post, and I'm back, with a not-so-pointless post.

my heart is wondering. all over. there are many thoughts, emotions, places to wonder. yet, as I sit, on the back porch of a close friends house, alone, yet not alone, I see God all around me. I'm sitting, on the edge of a beautiful lake. the birds are talking, there are two golden retrievers coming and going from my side, the fish are jumping. the weather is perfect. God is here. there is peace.

I just got a note from a good friend, reminding me of God's goodness. regardless of the unknown's. regardless of the questions. regardless of the future. God sees me, right here, right now. He cares for me, He loves my heart. there is this deep rooted peace and rest in my spirit.

I'm in Juneau. the place I don't care too much for. yet, even here, there is peace. while being here brings many questions and a bit of angst because it reminds me of the winter and the pain, frustration and distraught feelings I had for nearly 3 months. it reminds me of things I don't care to be reminded of. still, its the past. there was good even in those moments. God uses these times to refine, to prune, to make us more into the image's He has created us to have.

I don't know what is next, I don't know how I will pay my mortgage, I don't know where I will live, or where I will find community. I don't know if I will be close to family or not. I don't know if I will walk through another dreaded Alaskan winter. I don't know if I will be in a "serious" relationship or not. I don't know if I will be in politics or not. I don't know many things.

but this I do know. my Father loves me. He has created me in His image. He has awesome things in store for me. He cares for me. He loves my heart. He loves what He sees. He knows my deepest, most intense longings. He knows me. He deeply, intimately knows me. He has created me with purpose, for a reason, with a design.

this I will cling to and its not-so-pointless.

pointless

2008-06-18T19:42:00.000-07:00

sometimes I think I'd like to write a completely pointless post. yet, with my over-active, analytical mind, I always seem to find something deeper, more introspective to chat about. well, not today.

this morning I got up at the crack of dawn to make my monthly, or in this month's case, bi-monthly trek to Juneau to check in on my staff and get caught up on Juneau life and politics. my alarm went off at 5:07a and was snoozed till 5:11a when I finally drug my sleepy head out of bed and into the shower. Keith, in all his gracious, cold-infested, goodness, dropped me at the airport at 6:51a and I made my way to check in. After getting my bags checked, I headed towards security. now, if I may, without being overly obnoxious, say...I looked professional, classy and far from, well, skanky. I had on dressy black capri's and a light blue, 3/4 length sweater, with sling-back heels. classy but not over-done. as I pulled into the security line, I see four guys, approximately my age but likely a bit younger. now, these guys don't look particularly "bad" or sleazy, so as I walk up, I smile and then move on about my business the way I do with all self-respecting citizens. as we move through the security line, they continue to watch me, smiling and talking amongst themselves. I quit making eye-contact. clearly they had no tact. once through security, I made a quick stop at Starbucks, got my coffee and went to the gate. at the gate, I was on the phone with a certain someone, and noticed the same 4 "stalkers" walk up and stand not too far away. I made myself busy, talking, thoroughly engaged in my conversation and again, not making eye contact. still, they continued to smile and talk and very openly watch me. finally, they got on the plane and I lost track of them.

upon arriving in Juneau, I make a b-line for the Budget rental car to pick up my sweet ride. (Thanks to Kelly, I had the sweetest ride in town, a white Dodge Charger, I've lovingly dubbed, "my white chick, pimp mobile.") all set, with key's in hand, I headed for baggage claim. as I walked up to the belt, one of the four guys approached me and says, "so, uh, how long are you staying in town?" I replied, "3 days." "so uh, do you like want to go out with us some night, like for dinner or something?" "no thank you." "why not?!!" "um, because I don't live here and I am with someone." "so, why dont you want to go with us, you should just meet us for dinner, its like all of us. come on, you should just come. do you know where the (some random hotel I can't remember!) is? we're working there, you should stop by, you should go out with us." "um, ok, whatever." and I walked away.

really?? this kind of thing doesn't happen to me. and, after an experience like that, I'm quite glad it doesn't. there was nothing classy, nothing mature or attractive about the approach taken. what about that makes a girl want to say "yes?" I really just don't get it.

and, thats my pointless story of the day. its all I've got.

its Juneau. there's rain. I'm over it and really ok with that. my good friends have let me stay at their house while they're out of town and its quite the retreat, by the lake, in the trees...gorgeous!

purpose...

2008-06-11T19:00:00.000-07:00

I've come, I've gone, I've been, I've seen. I'm not even sure where to start other than that I don't like how many "I's" there are already in this blog. there are many question marks in my world, in my life, in my future. there are many unknowns, things I can't change, things that can't be controlled. and strangely, I'm really ok with it.

I would call myself a control freak in some ways. there always seems to need to be an element of control, of planning, of order in my life in order for me to be ok. I seem to think I need to be able to see a certain amount of feet in front of me. Jesus is changing this. I've lost some of that planning element, that understanding of what is coming, of how to plan.

during my time in Juneau, there was a period of breaking and submitting. God allowed me to see my need to release control of my circumstances, my job, my future and my plan. there was too much "my" in the way and it needed to be fully broken and released. there was pain, there was frustration, there was fear...and then there was peace, calm, trust and rest in my spirit.

since then, I don't know what is next. there is no clue as to where I should walk from here, of how to proceed, but there is peace.

my job could chance, my home situation could chance, my geography could change...my world could change. there are ways that I feel desperate for change, for growth, for some upheaval from my current state. and yet, I know that at the right time, the Father will do that, in HIS way, HIS time, HIS plan, with HIS PURPOSE. after all, is that not why I'm here in the first place?

change

2008-06-04T11:33:00.000-07:00

can you tell I'm sick of my template? I am. I'm ready for change. change in all areas. it feels as if things have been the same in a lot of areas for far too long. change is healthy, its growth, its productive, its maturity, is painful. its good. it removes stagnate things.

I have much to report on. little time. mostly, I just wanted to say, "hey, I'm alive, I'm here, God is good...and, I'll post more later. when I feel like it. for now, I don't feel like it."

sometimes its too much...

2008-05-16T13:15:00.000-07:00

sissy says I'm slacking and its time to post.

you know that phrase, "God never gives you more than you can handle?" I believe it. I really do. but sometimes, my head and my heart mis-fire with that belief.

its been an intense few weeks and I've decided its time to run away to the river for the weekend. and, after reading Carol's blog on her Thursday turned Monday, I am simply grateful I have the freedom to get in my car, drive two hours, and find a week cabin on the river, that has the best hammocks in the world, hanging on the porch, to curl up in, in my sleeping bag and just "be." (sister, I wish you could come with me!!!!!)

you see, between continuing to understand what being the deputy chief of staff to the lt. governor means, while he is being two men, with two hats, handling his current job as well as campaigning for a seat in congress...having my nearest and dearest kindred spirit, girlfriend be moved to another state, thousands of miles away...juggling singing on the worship team as many weekends as possible because I WANT to, but honestly don't have the time...traveling back and forth from Juneau to continue supervising and training my staff there...wanting time with my boss's daughters who I love dearly and not really getting it...processing, praying through and mulling the future...attempting in a hit or miss fashion, to stay in touch with my 'oh so busy' parents...working through some difficult relationships...and, planning a trip to DC for fun?!!! well. ok, maybe this doesn't fully capture the depth, the emotion, the drain, the details glaring me in the face, asking for answers...and, most of that just simply can't be put into words here...

anyway...that's the current, and that's all I got! :)

full circle?

2008-05-06T20:23:00.000-07:00

I guess I've been lax. or busy. one or the other. it seems its been non-stop since I got home and since the snow. Juneau needed to be visited once more, to train our new intern. the weather was nice, of course, after I've moved out?! but, I did enjoy it...and, since I've been back, there's a worship team to be joined with again, dinner's to be had, friends to send off, concerts to go to, friends to be comforted, grocery's to be purchased, campaign events to be attended...and, there you have the schedule.

today I was thinking in a lot of different directions. it didn't start off the best day, and honestly, not sure that much has changed besides the fact of being home in pj's and just relaxing. its the one night this week that I have nothing going on and so I'm relishing in that fact. some times life gets way too far ahead of me. I want a slow life. I want a garden and a cow. who knew?! I want to get my fingers dirty in the dirt, planting carrots and flowers with mom. I want to roll down a green, grassy hill with nieces and nephews. I want to take walks with Grandma around the kitchen to get her exercise. I want to 30 mph with dad down a windy, warm, Ohio road.

I had a few conversations around future, change, shifting, God moving. and, what was intended to be vulnerable sharing of the heart and what seems to be direction from God, but then questions that were asked and the direction the conversation went, left me doubting, questioning and with fear that I was somehow missing God.

how does this even happen? why? how can one person's questions and opinion throw me for such a loop? am I not confident enough in what I believe, in what I hear God saying to me to stand on my own two feet? yes. I am actually. they were good questions. they caused me to evaluate and then come back around to what I know as truth, to how God speaks to my heart, to the direction God is giving me...and to rest. I need to rest. I need to soak in the peace the Father has extended to me. I have come full circle.

snow ducks

2008-04-25T20:43:00.001-07:00

...and then it snowed. and the ducks? well, they got stuck. and confused. stuck and confused ducks. it snowed 12 in today and its still blizzarding. will it ever stop? I need it to stop. I need sunshine. consistent sunshine. more than just a week of sunshine. maybe even rain. rain would be better than snow. snow time is over. isn't it? its time for sun time.

iCampaign

2008-04-25T20:30:00.000-07:00

THE CANDIDATE

OUR LOYAL VOLUNTEERS, the HEATH BOYS

PARNELL CAMPAIGN, SPRING CLEANUP!

yesterday afternoon, we kicked off the Parnell for Congress Campaign by taking 60-80 volunteers out to the Minnesota HWY median to start the City Wide Cleanup, in a true effort to "Make a Difference." a good time was had by all! more photo's can be found here.

(all photo's paid for and taken by iPhone.com.)

too blessed...

2008-04-23T21:13:00.001-07:00

as I get off the elevator on the 17th floor of the Atwood building, I see standing there, Bob, one of my favorite security detail troopers. Bob is 70 something, white haired, the perfect grandpa, and is married to Kitty, who is from Germany. Bob is former Army and has endless stories. he always has a great come-back of some sort, regardless of the topic. he talks about how Kitty goes to see her family in Germany and makes him just enough meals to tide him over till she gets back. she'll also make him cookies and then hide them so he doesn't eat them all in one sitting. Bob adores Kitty. often, when I see him, I ask when he's going to give me the gun on his belt so I can move on to being a security staffer. he'll pull his jacket back and start taking it off, telling me he didn't want it anyway. He often reminds me that its not our jobs that matter, but our families, travel and enjoying life. you see, I love Bob.

well, yesterday, I get off the elevator and see Bob. I've missed him the past 3 months. I very excitedly say, "hi Bob! how are you?" Bob got this great grin on his face and says, "I'm too blessed to be stressed!" wow. WOW! not at all what I expected and yet completely thrilled with his words. they soothed my soul. they brought all of my realities to a screeching halt. nothing else mattered. I too, was blessed!

is that NOT the truth?? are we not ALL too blessed to be stressed? I lose site of this far too often. the little things get in the way. the big things get in the way. I get caught up in what is happening around me instead of constantly surrendering, laying down my ideas for the Fathers, and resting in the fact that HE has awesome plans for me. I don't ever want to take for granted Who God is, the ways He has blessed me, the ways He has provided for me, the ways He has gifted me, the ways HE LOVES ME!

I truly am too blessed to be stressed.

its good, very good...

2008-04-23T12:39:00.000-07:00

its so, so good to be home. the sun is shining and has been shining since I pulled in to town?!! who knew the sun could shine for so many days straight?? it does wonders for my soul. I knew I was deficient, but I didn't realise just how bad I guess.

the girls all went down to Kenai over the weekend, and relaxed by the river. we had this great little house with a big deck and lots of sun on the deck, so we just soaked. it was still a little chilly, so we could be found, in our sleeping bags, faces to the sky, loving God's creation, live and in person! so therapeutic. we made the best steaks ever, celebrated Anna's birthday and ate way too much junk food.

the week is quickly passing and it seems like I've hardly had time to catch my breath. my house is a wreck and in desperate need of cleaning up after the storm of moving home. my heart is at peace, there is rest and much fulfillment. God is good.

going to sea...

2008-04-17T23:05:00.001-07:00

the ramp on to the ferry...

3:57a is not my favorite part of the day. but, if it has to be done in order to get home, I'll take it. that's when my alarm went of this morning. thanks to a shot of NyQuil and my head hitting the pillow at 7:37pm, I woke up feeling mostly normal. God loves me. and, between my dear mother and myself asking for grace and an alert head, the Father blessed me.

4:57a I arrived at the Auke Bay ferry terminal. it was dead and the sign on the door said office hours were from 8a-5p. what? but you said check-in was 2 hours prior to the ferry leaving and my ferry was scheduled for 7a?!! what is going on. no one was around. not a soul. so, I sat, looked up my ferry info on my iPhone and called. no answer. "please call back during normal office hours, 8a-5pm. have a nice day." what? is this a joke? did they cancel my ferry? what are they thinking?? have a nice day? I want to go home. how is this a nice day if you won't put me on your ferry?!

5:03a. a nasty old van pulls into the parking lot and a girl in her flannel pj's jumps out and goes into the ladies room. I quickly jump out of my car and follower her, hoping her driver doesn't think I'm a psycho stalker of some sort. "excuse me. I'm really sorry. I noticed you came in here. I'm trying to catch the ferry, am I at the right place??" "no. you're not. you need to go up the road 5 miles." "thank you! are there signs? will I know it when I see it?" "yeah, you'll see it." "thank you SO much and again, I'm sorry to bother you." "sure."

5:04a. I jump back in the car and SPEED up the road to the REAL terminal. sure enough. clear as day.

5:11a all checked in, settled in to line 4, ready to go.

6:07a the cars are starting to move. line 1 clears out. line 2 clears out. line 3, the first car drives down the ramp. the little lady in the orange vest stops everything. whats going on? why are we stopping? I want on. soon, a new little man in an orange vest starts motioning to me. I'm the second car in line, in the 4th line. why is he motioning me out of line? I roll down my window and ask, "did you want me to go?" "yes dear, drive on up, its your turn." huh, weird. apparently my car is just the perfect size to cut in line?! who knew. I pull in, do the big turn through the empty deck in to the tiny line, close between two walls. I can barely get out of the car its so tight. I get my purse and laptop bag, coffee thermos and my red Starbucks mug. absolutely I'm going to pour my coffee into my mug and drink it like a civilized person. why not?! Andy from another Leg office pulls in behind me in his 08 Tacoma. "hey Andy." "hey." I make my way to the top, look for an outlet along the wall and stake out my turf for the ride to Haines. the front of the ferry is mostly empty, so the pickings are wide open.

6:27a still no Darwin. where is the man? does he not know he is my 4X4 support system? sure he does. he knows. he knows I don't want to drive this alone. he was protective and kind driving down, he wouldn't ditch me now. would he? he knows I hate the road between Haines and Tok. nah, he's probably in the truck line, waiting to board.

6:31a time to text him. I called last night, left a message and he never called me back. "are you on the ferry yet? you're not going to make me drive this alone, are you??" nothing.

6:33a I walk to the back where the kitchen and dining area is. Dirk and Andy are sitting, laughing, chatting, waiting for the kitchen to open up. "hey guys!" "hey, how's it going?" "good. you haven't seen Darwin, have you?" "no, isn't he here?" "no..." my phone beeps...Darwin texted. "sorry, can't make it. hope there are other leggies to travel with." "WHAT??? he just texted. said he can't make it!?!!" Dirk starts laughing. "he can't make it??? want to drive with us?" "YES! yes, I do!! but what the heck?!!! why would he do this??? he knew I was going with him, he knew I didn't want to drive this alone!" Dirk keeps laughing and starts joking about texting acronyms. "yeah...can't make it...LOL...IDK...FYI..." "so, are you guys driving straight through or are you stopping?" "yeah, we're driving straight through." BAH! well, sure hope that coffee is working well and I can make it 17 hours of driving!!!

6:49a I call Keith, tell him Darwin stood me up and gave him Dirks name and the office he's from so he knows who I'm traveling with, should I not show up. gave him Renee's contact info and told him she would know how to get ahold of people in his office. Keith assures me it will be fine, the weather shouldn't be too bad and that I shouldn't push it too hard. just get to Tok. if you have to drive alone from there, you'll be fine. the worst will be going from Haines to Tok. you'll be fine. really. you're car is in good shape. the roads won't be too bad. just don't drive too fast. feeling assured by one of the best, protective brothers in the world, I hung up and called Renee since she had tried calling while I was on with Keith.

7:03a "what the @#$!!? he didn't show?!? #$%^!!!!" "yeah, I know. I have no clue. maybe he hates me?! I dont know, but I found Dirk and Andy and I'll just drive with them. they are driving straight through, so hopefully I can stay awake." "you'll be fine. just stay with them at least to Tok. if you need to sleep in Tok, you'll be fine from there home. I've done it a million times. but what the @!#%#@?!! what is he doing?!! the @#$#%%!!!"

7:56a ...yeah...

the rain has slowed a bit. there is still fog. I want so much to be able to see where we're going. its gorgeous out here. the mountains are amazing. if you can see them. seeing them being the key. maybe it will lift and I'll actually be able to see.

maybe the kitchen has something decent to eat.

9:37a the kitchen didn't have anything interesting but as I got in line to fill my mug with fresh coffee, the ferry chef of 30 years says, "if you tell me a joke, the coffee's free for the rest of the day!" "but, I don't know any jokes!" "story, got any stories?" "HA! yeah, I have a story. I'll tell ya a story..." I proceeded to tell him about the bagel and the smoke. he laughs, tells me he knows Naomi and says, "coffees free for the day, drink as much as you like, cream's around the corner..."

11:11a I tried laying on the floor to sleep but to no avail. Jason called and left a message. "just got a note from Darwin, heard he's not on the ferry. I hope you're ok. I'll catch the next ferry and drive you to Anchorage if you want...I'm sorry."

12:01p we pull out of Haines, "driving straight through..."

3p Haines Junction, not much to see, get gas, keep going.

6:30p HELLO AMERICA! US/Alaska Border.

8:07p Tok...gas, nasty sandwiches at the grocery, a jug of milk, bag of baby carrots and we're off to the races.

Somewhere between Glennallen and Palmer, Dirk got a little crazy and decided he wanted to get home NOW. we had lost Andy by this point and 90mph was our consistent. mmm, speed is good. however, when there is a herd of caribou on the side of the road, you'd really rather not take them out! no mom, we didn't hit any. (we did come close though!) :)

12:07a Welcome to Palmer! "Goodbye Dirk! Have a great night!"

1:27a Anchorage never looked so good!!! I could hardly keep my eyes open, could hardly walk, crawled up the stairs and into my bed! THANK YOU JESUS for a safe, FAST, trip.

you can find pictures here.

more later...

uneventful

2008-04-15T13:55:00.000-07:00

so far my day is fairly uneventful compared to the last few days. I guess thats a good thing at this point!??

my car goes in for a check up, then gets loaded and parked ready to pull out at o'dark thirty. 4:30a to be exact. we'll have dinner as a staff at The Hangar one last time tonight and thats that.

you'd think I was leaving forever, never to see this town again? not so. I'll be back in just two short weeks. thats when our intern starts and I get to come back to rainville to train him and get him up and running in the office. I guess its simply the end of this Legislative Session journey. one in which I've been chained to the city without much leaving. I will say, the two times I got to go home for a few days were most excellent and helped keep my sanity in tact.

it really has been a good experience, lots learned, good memories, not so good memories, a few good friends made, relationships deepened. God is good!

and, for those of you who have been waiting for the smoky pictures, they're here!

its time...

2008-04-14T17:35:00.000-07:00

its over. they're headed home. the ferry is starting to fill up each morning as the city empties of the law makers, lobbyist and staffers. its been a quick 90 days and we're all glad to be headed home.

as I wrap up the last few things that need to be done from this end of my job, I continue to ask questions about the future. what is God saying? where is He calling me to? is there really change coming? or is it just the discontentment derived from the endless rainy days in Juneau? is God changing my heart, preparing me for something new, something different? as I process through all the questions that rage through my mind, I have to wonder about the big picture. what am I created for? what does God see as the best direction for me? what about the dreams that I believe are from Him, yet are still hanging in limbo? will they ever be fulfilled? or, did I miss something? did I not get the right dreams? perhaps I picked up someone else's along the way?

no. I don't think I did. they're there for a purpose, for a time. and, for some reason, that time is not yet. there is more to learn. there is more to grow in. there is more to be exposed to. there is more to know.

there is more. soon it will be time.

its snoining...

2008-04-13T20:24:00.000-07:00

what do you get when it rains and snows at the same time? snoin. its snoining. I want to go home.

its the 90th day and they did it. they finished "on time." today that meant, 1pm for both bodies. the House gaveled in today at 9:37am and the Senate at 11am. it all ended relatively quietly, without a hitch. afterwards, you could hear staffers in the hallways and stairwells, huddled in small "bands," singing and making music. quite the tradition.

I'm exhausted. this has been quite the process. educational? yes, quite. interesting? yes, at times. fun? um. maybe. maybe at times. the most rewarding piece? my staff. I have the best staff in the whole world. they are efficient, they are timely, they are educated and they are just plain good at what they do. I love them. I will miss them. I won't miss the snoin, but I will miss my staff. if only I could take them to Anchorage with me, the world would be a beautiful place. but, since I can't, I'll just come back to see them. often.

tonight I sat in a very small, somewhat dark pub, right on the water, alone. its gloomy. its melancholy. its lonely. its a lonely town. but when the sun shines? look out world. this town makes you feel as if you can do almost anything. but today, there was no sun.

the time is short, the time is near. the ferry docks in Auke Bay Wednesday morning, bright and early and off to Haines we go. from there, I'll drive the crazy road home.

I'm still not entirely sure what God's purpose has been in having me here during this time. I know there is one. I'm confident. has it been to simply be a light in the Capitol? to let Jesus be Jesus in me? has it been to be a smile to someone who is frustrated, upset and completely disillusioned with the process? is it to give tours to school kids coming through, wanting to know what Government is all about? was it to encourage fellow home schoolers coming through the Capitol, that they are and can get a good healthy education from mom? is it to be an encouragement to my staff? or...was it for me, was it for stretching, for trust, to learn faith, to take another step down the path of believing that God really does indeed have AWESOME plans for me, that HE has created me for specific, unique thing?

I'm not sure.

and that's ok.

the 89th day, and smoke.

2008-04-12T10:56:00.000-07:00

its raining...again, or is it more appropriate to say, "still?" we'll go with still.

its the 2nd to last day of session and I'm at the office. on a Saturday. its what we call "normal."

my day started around 7:43am, by hitting snooze about 7 times before finally rolling over and making a rather feeble attempt to get out of my warm, cozy bed. Saturday's are not for getting up on. they are for lounging. in my sweats. not in work clothes.

I pulled up to Renee's by 9:03am, one 20oz, skinny Chai Latte and one 20oz, skinny white mocha w/ caramel, in hand. let the day begin.

and, I had snacks in my bag. yogurt, a bagel with strawberry cream cheese and an orange. I was set. I can do this. I can make it through this day.

I get my personal laptop all set up at my desk and head to the break room to toast my bagel.

1st MISTAKE OF THE DAY! don't go to the break room, Kris, don't do it.

the building is full, the law makers, lobbyist and staff are here. the Governor is on her way in, the Chief of Staff is hard at work, ensuring her bills will get through the Senate floor today at 11. its going to be a busy day. committees are meeting, decisions are being made. rumor has it the Legislature will be done today instead of tomorrow. we'll see. no one's holding their breath. this is our first 90 day session, down from 120, can they finish on time or will we have to call a special session? the question looms. the energy is thick, emotions running thin, adrenaline is what is keeping everyone on their toes. no one's had much sleep this week. and the rain continues to fall.

the bagel goes into the toaster, I go back to my desk to start up my computer. a few minutes later, I check on it and its barely toasted. change the settings, start it again. back to work. 4 minutes later, check on it again. this time, aw shucks, its too dark. I pop it up and debate whether or not I care to eat a half burnt bagel.

then. it happened. MISTAKE #1 comes to life.

the fire alarm starts whirling, screaming, mocking. get out! get out, quick!

"what? are we doing a drill? why would they do a drill right now? its Saturday. its the 2nd to last day of the Legislative session. we're busy here, can't you see? we dont have time for this....

(long pause in my head...)

...ohhhh. oh no. OH NO!!!! its me. I did it. I made the alarm go off. STUPID BAGEL!! I just burned a bagel and the fire alarm is going off. I JUST MADE THE FIRE ALARM GO OFF ON THE 2ND TO LAST DAY OF SESSION, IN THE CAPITOL BUILDING OF THE STATE OF ALASKA!!! Legislators, lobbyists, staff..."

I didn't know what to do. who to call, how to make it stop. I quick propped the door to the outside stairway open and ran down the hall to the Governor's security detail, Tom. "Tom! Tom! I think it was me, I think it was me!" ...I said in a hushed tone. Tom ran with me back down the hall, asked what I had burned and said, "yep, I think it was you." He got on the phone, called building security, who alerted the fire department, who by the way, was on their way with a fire truck and an ambulance. Why would you send an ambulance? To carry me away to lock me in the padded, white room? probably.

I walked to the window and then quickly walked away. Legislators, lobbyist, staff, visitors...all standing out in the parking lot, in the rain, with faces of disgust and confusion, looking up at my office window. I couldn't look at them. they would all know shortly it was me who caused them to have to be uprooted from their coffee and computer to run down the stairs, in the rain, at the threat of the State Capitol burning to the ground. it was me, who brought the Senate Finance Committee meeting to a halt, as they were about to make a decision on whether or not to increase the Business License fee. it was me. that one girl in the Lt. Governor's office. on the third floor. it was her.

its the 89th day. and there was smoke.

the 88th day...

2008-04-11T15:20:00.000-07:00

sister has been blogging regularly now for a few months and as I was scrolling through hers, and others blogs, I thought it might be a good therapy for me as well!

the day is gloomy, the sky is low, the snow is resting a couple hundred feet up the mountain while rain falls quietly and lightly down in the city. its Juneau. and, its a typical, damp, political day, this 88th day of the 25th Legislative Session.

we're down to the wire. the politicians continue hammering out who gets what, what money goes where, and who will side with who on which project. its what we call "normal" in these parts. offers are given, deals are made and unfortunately, backs are stabbed.

and, we continue to call it normal.

what happened to integrity, honor, respect, honesty and a desire to do whats best for the people of Alaska?

there is cynicism, there is frustration and yes, there is weariness in the tone.

I'm ready to be done. I want to go home to my red walls.