A day in the life of...

01.01.11

Heaven is rejoicing...today, Grandma went to be with Jesus. After a few days of difficult breathing, not much eating or drinking, she let go and was free of this life and moved to the next.

My heart is so grateful for the last moments I had with her, singing to her, telling her how much she means to me, reminding her of the ways she encouraged, challenged and prayed for me. And, the answers to those prayers. Telling her stories of the year we spent together, me caring for her in ways she couldn't care for herself. Such good, good memories. And, when I was finished crying and talking, she quietly mouthed, "thank you." Those were her last words in this life.

I am so overwhelmingly blessed to have such a wise, godly woman as my grandmother, as an example and a giant of faith and life.

I'll miss you so much, Grandma. But I will always cherish the conversations, the memories, the moments I've had with you the past 30 years. I know you are at peace and so excited to be with Jesus. And, I'm incredibly happy that you are finally Home. I love you.

sometimes I wonder why I can't just be consistent with writing and keeping up this blog. and then my very next thought? bah. does it matter? don't get me wrong, I do want to keep you updated on life and things going on, but I also am a little wierded out by the fact that anyone in this entire world has access to this and my ramblings. so. yeah.

the past few months have been really, really good. in some aspects. really, really hard in other aspects. and, because of the fact that the whole world does indeed have access and there are some things that are just better held close, I won't go into detail. in short, sickness and disease when it hits close, seem to be some of lifes more difficult challenges. these are the moments when trust is put on the line. do I really believe God has plans to not harm, but to prosper? do I believe He loves us enough to walk us through some very dark times? do I believe he won't give us more than we can handle? yes. yes, I do. I cling to these promises daily.

and, on the home front...grandma keeps keeping on. it seems like with each day, there is just a gradual slowing. this morning, as I was sitting her up in bed, she said, "I just can't do it." when I asked her what, she didn't respond. so, I asked, "do you feel like you can't walk or stand?" "no, I can stand." so, wondering what exactly it was that she felt she couldn't do, I helped her to the restroom to get ready for her day. again, I asked her if she could tell me what it was that she couldn't do. "I can't go there." she wasn't able to and didn't want to talk about it. yesterday we had a similar interaction of her telling me she was having deep thoughts, but that she couldn't talk about it. I'm not always sure what all of this means or what is happening inside. some days I just have to wonder if the aging process is just difficult and perhaps scary. I can't imagine being 89, after living such a full, rich life, pouring your heart into people and doing your best to serve God in every aspect and then to struggle to even articulate what is happening in your head and heart. as we walked past her bed to the kitchen this morning, she paused and looked at it and said, "my bed looks pretty good." I asked her if she'd like some breakfast before she crawled back in and she said she did. however, she was just pretty ready to crawl back in. life is slowing and sleep is welcomed.

this week I had the special gift of two very cherished visitors. its amazing what good, challenging, encouraging, deep conversation does for the heart. I'm convinced now more than ever that isolation is extremely unhealthy. we need people. we need fellowship. we need conversation. we need community. we need those people who are willing to speak truth into our lives, who will challenge and push us, but then encourage and love us where we are. it needs to go deep and honest, it needs to push us to the Father's heart. I'm greatful for friends and family who play this role in my life. I'm so blessed.

it hasn't been the easiest of weeks. but thats not an excuse. despite what our days hold, we're called to be grateful and to see God's hand in our circumstances. and to cook. ok, so not really the cooking part. but for me, cooking is a form of therapy. and, after a few days of being home alone with the grandparents, I decided it was time for some new recipe testing. grandma even liked it?! so, must not be that bad, right?!

I've posted for your use, should you care to bravely attack the chicken. slightly labor intensive, but like I said, "therapy!"

The Ultimate Barbecued Chicken Recipe: Food Network

Ingredients
Brine:
2 quarts water
2 tablespoons kosher salt
1/4 cup brown sugar
2 garlic cloves, smashed with the side of a large knife
4 sprigs fresh thyme
6 chicken legs and thighs, still connected, bone in, skin on, about 10 ounces each
The Ultimate Barbecue Sauce:
1 slice bacon
1 bunch fresh thyme
Extra-virgin olive oil
1/2 onion, chopped
2 garlic cloves, chopped
2 cups ketchup
1/4 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup molasses
2 tablespoons red or white wine vinegar
1 tablespoon dry mustard
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1 teaspoon paprika or smoked paprika if available
Freshly ground black pepper
Directions
For the brine, in a mixing bowl combine the water, salt, sugar, garlic, and thyme. Transfer the brine to a 2-gallon sized re-sealable plastic bag. Add the chicken, close the bag and refrigerate 2 hours (if you've only got 15 minutes, that's fine) to allow the salt and seasonings to penetrate the chicken.

Meanwhile, make the sauce. Wrap the bacon around the bunch of thyme and tie with kitchen twine so you have a nice bundle. Heat about 2 tablespoons of oil in a large saucepan over medium heat. Add the thyme and cook slowly 3 to 4 minutes to render the bacon fat and give the sauce a nice smoky taste. Add the onion and garlic and cook slowly without coloring for 5 minutes. Add the remaining ingredients, give the sauce a stir, and turn the heat down to low. Cook slowly for 20 minutes to meld the flavors. Once the sauce is done cooking, remove about 1 1/2 cups of the sauce and reserve for serving along side the chicken at the table. The rest of the barbecue sauce will be used for basing the legs.

Preheat oven 375 degrees F.

Preheat a grill pan or an outdoor gas or charcoal barbecue to a medium heat. Take a few paper towels and fold them several times to make a thick square. Blot a small amount of oil on the paper towel and carefully and quickly wipe the hot grates of the grill to make a nonstick surface. Take the chicken out of the brine, pat it dry on paper towels. Arrange the chicken pieces on the preheated grill and cook, turn once mid-way, and cook for a total of 10 minutes. Transfer the grill marked chicken to a cookie sheet and then place in the oven. Cook the chicken for 15 minutes, remove it from the oven and then brush liberally, coating every inch of the legs with the barbecue sauce and then return to the oven for 25 to 30 more minutes, basting the chicken for a second time half way through remaining cooking time. Serve with extra sauce.


and...the asparagus...most excellent asparagus:


Roasted Asparagus with Hollandaise Recipe: Food Network

Ingredients
Asparagus:
1 pound medium asparagus
1 tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil
1/4 teaspoon kosher salt
Freshly ground black pepper
Sauce:
1 large egg yolk
1 1/2 teaspoons freshly squeezed lemon juice
Pinch cayenne pepper
4 tablespoons unsalted butter (1/2 stick)
1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
Directions
Preheat oven to 450 degrees F.

Trim the woody ends from the asparagus. Spread the spears in a single layer in a shallow roasting pan baking sheet, drizzle with olive oil, sprinkle with salt, and roll to coat thoroughly. Roast the asparagus until lightly browned and tender, about 10 minutes, giving the pan a good shake about halfway through.

Meanwhile, put the egg yolk, lemon juice, and cayenne in a blender. Pulse a couple times to combine.

Put the butter in a small microwave proof bowl and heat in a microwave until just melted. With the blender running, gradually add the melted butter into the egg to make a smooth frothy sauce. If the sauce is really thick blend in a teaspoon of lukewarm water to loosen it up. Season with the salt and serve immediately or keep warm in a small heat-proof bowl set over hot (but not simmering) water until ready to serve.

Spread the roasted asparagus on a serving platter. Grind a generous amount of pepper over the top.

Cook's Note: This recipe can be easily doubled. If you double the recipe, be sure to place the stems on the baking sheet so that the tips are pointed toward the center, and the bottoms are pointed out, toward the edges of the pan. Since the tips are thinner than the stems, they tend to cook faster. However, when roasting, items at the edges of the pan cooked more quickly than those in the center. Taking the time to lace them this way helps the asparagus cook evenly.

there are days that we wonder why Jesus is allowing circumstances as they are. they don't make sense. they seem too much. maybe they are too much. they're overwhelming. how can we possibly take one more thing. and yet, deep down, we cling to the truth that He will NEVER give us more than we can handle. and, ALL things work together for the good of those that love Him.

and, as followers, we choose to confidently walk in these truths from the Father. He has plans. He has good in store for us. He sees so much more than we do. He knows us. He knows our needs. He knows what will refine us and make us more like Him. we simply need to follow and trust. He loves us and He has a plan. follow. trust.

"Only by walking with God can we hope to find the path that leads to life. That is what it means to be a disciple. After all—aren’t we “followers of Christ”? Then by all means, let’s actually follow him. Not ideas about him. Not just his principles. Him. " --Eldredge

you know those days when you really don't feel so inspired? this might be one of those days. I keep coming and looking at my blog, hoping to be inspired to write about something. anything. something deep. something funny. something that makes you and me think.

so, for lack of a whole lot to say, I'll keep it short and sweet.

grandpa and grandma are doing relatively well. grandma definitely seems to be slowing down in her walking and in her responses when talked to. I will say though, there is nothing that makes her light up more than the men, yes, I said men, in her life. one has been there for years. he's old, he's grey and he's the love of her life. he's her "special man." and he can get her attention like non other. then there's the other man in her life. he's grey but he's not exactly old. he's been around all his life, but not all hers. and he too, can get her attention like non other. he can get her to smile. he can get her to straighten up and walk like a queen. he's her boy. he's my dad. and she's pretty taken with him. its pretty sweet. so, all of us, me included, have come to the point of not liking it too much when dad needs to leave on weekend or week long trips. why? well, because grandma is just a different person. she slows even more. she responds even less. she stands just a little more hunched over. she smiles less. the minute he walks through that door? she glows.

we saw that glow again today. only it wasn't dad that walked through the door. it was uncle joe. she loves her boys. a lot. they brighten her day even if it wasn't gloomy. there is nothing for grandma like seeing one of her kids walk in the room. it doesn't matter what she's doing or not doing, she stops. she focus's. she straightens up. and she smiles. and she listens. she's taken. she adores her boys and her girl.

and so, we keep going. and we look forward to the visitors that stop in now and then. it makes the days seem shorter and brighter.

so, stop by when you can. :)

how do I attract this stuff?!

this morning I went for coffee with my cousin Rhoda, who everyone has always said I look just like... she and her hubby are missionaries in Tibet and are back to have baby number 2. so...we're sitting there at this coffee shop in Mechanicsburg and these two guys come in, get coffee then start looking at the art in the coffee shop. I'm not really paying attention cause we're talking, but it seems like they're sort of hanging around close to our table. soon, they leave. 5 minutes later, one of the guys comes back in, walks over to our table and says, "excuse me..." sits down at our table...and looks directly at me and goes, "you're really beautiful! are you married or in love?" HA! I'm like, "well, thank you but I do have a great boyfriend!" he says, "ok, so you're dating, but you're not in love yet. well, if that doesn't go well, you should give me a call!" ...and proceeds to give me his card! I was like, "well, I'm flattered but yes, I'm quite happily in a relationship with an awesome guy!" "well, tell him he's lucky!" then, he looks at Rhoda too and says, "you're really beautiful too, but I see you're married!!" and I was like, 'yeah, happily married and happily pregnant!!" she and I are just sort of looking at each-other, trying to not let the situation be more awkward than it already is!! he was nice enough and not creepy, and I could tell he was desperately trying to not look like a fool! so, he says again, "so, if that doesn't work out, let me know. I really am a nice guy and I'm sorry for interrupting and looking dumb!" and he leaves?!!! HA! I wanted to be like, "um, yeah, quite happily in a relationship with an amazing man who also FAR exceeds your mediocre looks!" HOW MEAN IS THAT??!!

back at the home, the fun never ceases...

I've finally figured out how to get grandma to stand up tall and walk straight! novel idea, huh?!

we're coming out of the bedroom, getting her to her chair for visitors and she's leaning. hard. and, I'm getting nervous cause I'm thinking, "if you go down, its gonna be a fun time!" all of a sudden, she straightens up, stands tall and starts carrying her own weight?!!! I look and she is FIXED on grandpa, standing in the living room, PERFECTLY placed! she cruises in there with NO problem. as we're getting settled, I say, "Grandma, I think I just figured out how to get you to walk straight! we just put grandpa wherever you're going and have him stand there, waiting for you. you totally just perked up and got focused on him and walked great?!!" Grandpa started chuckling and wouldn't stop!! it was so great. he never gets tired of hearing how much she adores him. it makes me happy.

I want to be like that when I'm 90.

I know. its been awhile. quite awhile. but, what can I say, a lot has been happening...a lot.

update on grandma first though. she's been slowing down a fair amount, still walking, still talking, but just slower. tonight, when I took her to the restroom, and asked the standard question, "would you like to sit a little?" instead of a simple yes or no, she said, "you decide." hmm. "but grandma, I'm not sure what you need. what does your tummy say?" "my tummy says you should decide." :) I love her. a lot.

and...on the way out of the bedroom from her afternoon nap...she catches site of grandpa in the kitchen and is completely taken, watching him off to her right, and not watching at all where she's going. at this season of life, its not really a good thing for her to walk without watching where she's going because she leans wherever she's looking! grandpa chuckles and tells her to watch where she's going. I asked her if she was distracted by a handsome man. "yes, he's important. I was distracted by an important man." she's so in love. I love watching them sit in the living room, holding hands, just looking at eachother, without saying a word. its priceless really.

they're good. its a rich time to get to be with them. life is slow. they're at peace. they're enjoying these last days together.

where have I been? growing, learning, stretching, resting, enjoying, experiencing, anticipating, receiving...and well, traveling. three weeks in Colorado, which my heart loves. a week in Pennsylvania and a week in DC. CO was full of training, intensity, depth, healing, growth and fulfillment. PA was an awesome week of wedding coordinating and DC...well, DC was an adventure, full of unknowns, excitement, anticipation and new relationship! a week that won't be soon forgotten. yes, there is so, so much more to each of these as you can imagine, but I've decided that it will have to come in pieces...as I am able to put them into words. as my heart is ready to spill. so, you'll have to wait. or, you could email me. thats always an option.

until then...life is good. really good. there is peace. there is vision. there is excitement. there are unknowns. there is grace. lots of grace.

this is a week of training for me. internship. counseling. seeing into other people's lives. watching God reveal truth and change lives. its pretty incredible. and intimidating. it immediately causes me to ask questions about myself. to begin introspection, yet again. right when I thought I had relaxed a bit and was able to quit over-analyzing my own life and heart just a bit, well, its back, full swing. but, I think its ok. I want to know truth. I want to have a free heart. I hate baggage. and of course, we all have it. but it seems its really more just a matter of understanding what that baggage is so Jesus can come in and clean it up, we can forgive and we can keep walking through life, caring for other people well. it really doesn't need to be so complicated like I often try to make it.

thats just a small part. the rest? well. its showing me more of what I know of my own heart, my own desires, dreams and ideas. but, that dosn't change where I am today, what I've been called to for now. and in that, I must rest. I must trust. I must commit those things to the Fathers heart to worry about. "fret not, it tends only to evil doing." really? evil doing? just for fretting? got it. trust. lean. rely. delight. be confident. commit. rest. be still. patiently lean. trust. trust. trust. its all right there and its all pretty clear.

Philippians 4:8 (The Message)

Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.

thats right. Grandma has a fireplace in her dressing room. she also has a personal tooth brusher. and, she has a pj warmer. and she loves it. nearly every night, I hear, "I just keep thinking about how you spoil me..."

fireplace? dressing room? personal tooth brusher? pj warmer??? about now you're thinking either I'm crazy or dad built much more of a house than you originally thought he did.

we have a little space heater. we have a nice, big, two sink restroom. there's me. and, there's the dryer. its all pretty simple really. Grandma's days are short. we're not sure how long we get to have her around. and, the way I figure, why wouldn't I make those last days as special, as sweet and as comfortable as I can possibly think up. so, every night, when its time for bed, I start the space heater in the bathroom. then, I take her pj's and throw them in the dryer for 10 min. next, we hobble to the bathroom and I brush her teeth. the other night, with the tooth brush in her mouth and tooth paste on its way to running to her lap, she giggles and says, "don't you just love brushing someone else's teeth??" I nearly rolled on the ground laughing! when I got myself under control, I said, "don't you just love having someone else brush your teeth?!" her reply required no thought, "YES!" the next night, again, through a foamy mouth and tooth brush, she said, "I hope you have someone to brush your teeth when you get old!"

its really not that difficult. I've been given a treasure. the treasure of loving on and pampering Grandma for her last days. its a priviledge. she is truly a joy to care for.

this morning I've been perusing some old friends blogs. oh the memories. its amazing to see people change, grow, mature and becoming all that we've been created to be. and, to remember where we've come from, what we've changed out of, what we've been saved from.

I've also been reading Christmas posts. and, I hesitated to even write something because I wasn't sure where to go with it. but here I am. and here I go.

this Christmas the thing that has been the biggest treasure to me has been time with family and close friends. the kindred spirits. the hearts that are seeking growth, change, pursuit of holiness. the conversations of what it means to love. to forgive. to change. to serve. the iron sharpening iron. the challenges of becoming more of who we are created to be. the times of intercession. of thankfulness and expressing the deepest greatfulness in our hearts. these are the things that fill my heart, that bring joy, that overwhelm me with what life is all about and with what God has so richly blessed me with.

I've been in Pennsylvania the last week. tomorrow I head to NY for a week or two. and, I'm blessed. very blessed with an amazing family and incredible friends. I lack nothing. sure there are dreams. there are desires. there are things I'd love to do and see and experience in life. but for now. I lack nothing.

(oh, and there's this)

if you visit my blog, whether you're a first timer, or a regular. I'd love to hear from you, know why you come, what your thoughts are, what your response is to the deep or not so deep things are that I rant about. I'd just love to hear from you. I'd love to "meet" you! :)

so, you know that whole hip surgery deal back in August? well, I refuse to let it win. I'm at month 4 and still not 100%, but hey, it is month 4 right?

monday I went for my first run since surgery. it was short and it was sweet, but it was a run none-the-less. and frankly, it didn't feel too bad. then, I got sick for a few days, so haven't run since, but oh, do I intend to!!

the idea of never running distance again just about kills me. no more marathons or half's? not ok. I must. and yet, I also realize I may just need to let it go all together at some point. but for now, I'm not quite ready. not at least until I try a few more runs and decide its never to be.

for now, I'll keep working towards it, keep building miles, keep adding a bit of speed...slowly, I know! but I will be persistent. the surgery won't win on this one. no sir, it won't.

and, if anyone has suggestions for quick recovery of my running schedule, I'm all ears! :)

I guess its been a few days and after the amount of posting I was doing last week, you're probably wondering what has happened. not a whole lot really. although, I did get sick for a few days which slowed my already incredibly slow life down to less than a crawl.

grandpa continues to do well. its incredible to think that this time last week, he was saying his goodbyes. its surreal really. I believed him, because he believed it. and, for as long as I've known grandpa Showalter, he's usually right! not this time. it wasn't his last night, and we truly have no idea when his last night will be. he's doing very well. well, as well as a 90 year old probably should be doing! he's still loving on grandma, making sure she's comfortable and taken care of. and I love it. I love watching him love her. its pretty sweet.

last Friday I had a quick, fleeting hope that turned into a prayer. asking Jesus to let Keith and Rhoda get here before Grandpa passes away. and, He did. they got back from Nepal lastnight and were able to stop by today to see them. its just pretty special the timing the Father has.

this weekend we travel and then I'm gone for a few weeks. and, I can't help but wonder what will happen while I'm gone. but there again, I have to trust, I have to just rest in the fact that His ways are not my ways, His thoughts are not mine. He has such great plans, that will bring glory to Himself, and thats what counts. and, its what counts for all areas of this season of life.

my fear in actually posting this, is that my uncles will disown me! :) and that perchance, my cousins will show up on the front door step to beat me or worse, stone me?!

when I first got here, dad warned me, "grandma can fall for anyone, you included. so, just be prepared." right. of course. I know this. sure it could happen, but I just won't let it! mmhmm.

and before I even describe the events of this marvelous afternoon, I just need to tell you that last week, grandma thought I was awesome! dad asked her if I was taking good enough care of her and she says, "oh yes!" and so dad asked what specifically that meant. she replied, "because she gives me everything I want!"

I, was in her good graces.

so today...

grandma got up from her nap, went to the restroom and we were making the trek to her rocking chair in the living room. we got up to the chair and were about to do the swivel to get her in place, but there was a pillow on her chair that needed to be moved before she could sit down. so, I took a step in front of her, and to her right, and reached for the pillow. as I did this, she started to lean and lean and lean some more...to her left. and from there, straight to the ground! laughing, the whole way down. I however, wasn't laughing! I was shaking, convinced we were about to break the good hip that was used to provide stability, strength and all mobility!

so, I yelled for dad and he helped her get up. once she was up, I said, "grandma, that wasn't fun! lets not ever do that again, I'm shaking!" she chuckled and said, "I thought it was fun!!"

she's fine, nothing was broken, except perhaps my pride.

and grandpa?? well, you'd never know he had high BP and was saying his goodbyes just a few days ago. he's up, he's chipper, he's eating, he's back helping get grandma situated the way he thinks she should be. he's just fine, so it seems.

what a life we live!

I do. I doubt. I question my worth, my value. I question really, if I have enough faith, if that mountain will move. I doubt that there really are indeed good things in store for me. I doubt my purpose and my future. I doubt that my dreams have purpose and that God really truly wants to fulfill them. I imagine maybe they're silly and worthless, instead of agreeing with the fact that as I delight myself in the Father, He WILL plant HIS desires in me...for a purpose.

thats a lot of doubting. and, lately, God's been convicting me on the sin in that. I've identified with a lie if I've believed that God doesn't love me. doesn't have a plan for my life. doesn't want to fulfill those dreams He's put in my heart. didn't create me with purpose, for a reason, in His image. its sin. I've agreed with something other than the heart of God. and I want to change that. I want to agree with truth. consistently.

its easy for me to believe these things for everyone else. I can believe and agree and affirm that He has created you for good things. that He has a great plan for your life. that there is purpose in the ways He has you waiting, or the ways He's currently stretching you. I can see the bigger picture. for you.

why is it so hard for me to grasp and truly internalize these things for me? is it just me, or is this a common problem? do I have some innate, deep rooted issue? why can't I have the faith of a child? what is the faith of a child? its a kid that will jump off a counter top and believe that you're not going to let them crash to the floor. its a kid that believes that when they're hungry, mom will get them something to eat. its a kid that truly believes that if they ask Jesus for a bike, He'll provide one. after all, why wouldn't He? I did that once. I asked Jesus for a new bike. guess what, He gave me one! so why do I still doubt? has He ever, ever let me down? has He ever not provided for me? has He ever allowed anything I can't handle?

no. no, He most certainly hasn't. He has blessed me so, so much. He has given me an amazing, awesome family. He has given me deep, incredible friendships. He has provided the necessity's in life. I have so much more than I need. I even have some things I want?! imagine that. :)

I want to walk in the faith of a child. I want to agree with the truth that the Father has created me with great purpose. HIS purpose. to be loved by Him, to love Him, to love others well, to worship Him and to be Jesus to the people around me. I want to walk in these truths. consistently. its a journey. I'm far from perfect. so far. I know that its a day to day walk. but I want this lesson to continue to go deep, to be rooted so firmly in me that I never question what truth is. I'm not here for me. I'm not created for my pleasure. I'm created for HIS pleasure. and the minute I get caught up in questioning His plans, His provision, His fulfillment of MY dreams...I become selfish, I lose focus on what really matters, I forget who I am and WHO I belong to.

I don't ever want to forget that again.

...and speaking of faith? an hour after I wrote this, I was asking Jesus, if it would please Him and could be part of his plan, to get me onto an earlier flight out of Philly so I could get home to attend a Christmas program with mom and dad. and despite the crazy logistics, the flight agent who didn't start out very nice and my temptation to doubt? Jesus got me a seat on that earlier flight. and it turned out I was "a service to US Air?!"

He loves me. a lot.

on the plane today, I started back into a book by Eldredge that I've been slowly making my way through, "Walking with God." I love it. he speaks so much truth. he reminds us of ways we make agreements with lies that need to be renounced, and then how to make agreements with truth. today the focus was not trying so hard to make things happen. I identified with it and I wanted to share...

"I gave God permission, when we were driving back from the hospital on Labor Day weekend, to rebuild my personality based on His love. Right now I don't feel that its based on His love at all. It feels built upon Make it Happen.

Even though my hands are both in casts, making it hard to make things happen, its not impossible. I could miss this opportunity for transformation and just push through. But my soul needs healing here, in this. Even this morning, while praying and reading Scripture, flies were buzzing on the window, and I felt I should take a magazine and kill them. Take care of that. Like I could hit a moving object. I couldn't even hit a slug right now, but that doesn't occur to me. I ought to get those flies is but one of a hundred versions of Make it Happen.

Lord Jesus, have mercy. This is so deep in me. I hardly know what to do, what to say. Have mercy. Heal me here, in this. Heal me in your love...

...Jesus, I sanctify all of my gifts and all of my abilities to make it happen to you now. I bring them to you, Jesus, to serve you and not my godless approach to life. I ask that your love would heal that part of me that feels I must make it happen, that all things--especially my happiness--are up to me. I invite your love to come to this place and heal. And, Jesus, I repent of that part of me that needs to make things happen. I transfer my trust from my ability to make things happen to your love and goodness." --John Eldredge, Walking with God, pg. 102-104.

one thing you need to understand about Grandpa Showalter, if you don't already, is that he's generally serious. life is serious. we have responsibilities, we should take things seriously and at times, somberly. He's just a sober person. don't get me wrong, Grandpa does laugh, he does enjoy humor, he smiles, he is kind and gentle. but for the most part, he's pretty serious.

yesterday afternoon and evening, when he seemed to have made a conscious decision that his time was near, he started smiling, a lot. he was almost chipper. he was at peace. there was a sense of giddyness in him. unlike I've seen in years, if ever. something had switched.

this morning, he's up, he's in his chair. he's had something to eat. and, his blood pressure is back down to normal. he slept all night and with the lowering of his BP, he seems to be feeling just a bit better. but the grin, that smile on his face, the excitement exuding from him? its still there. he knows his time is near and he's excited. he's so ready to see Jesus.

these last 48 hours or so have been absolutely incredible for me. we really don't know when exactly Grandpa will go see Jesus. thats not something we can predict, but as he is preparing, anticipating, getting ready for that moment, its like we get to stand there on the edge of heaven with him. it must be one of the sweetest things. I could have chosen to stay in Alaska, to not change much, to not quit my job, to not make the big move, to sit in apprehension of the future and not take the plunge into the unknown. but I didn't. and now? now I get these precious, precious moments with two of the most amazing people I've known in my life. I get to soak in their grace and wisdom, the love they have for each other, the love they have for Jesus. I get to experience something great.

I've never seen a couple, so in love, so aware of eachother, so deeply caring for eachother.

as I mentioned in my last post, grandpa isn't doing well. he's been in bed the last two days, not eating, throwing up and with very high blood pressure.

this evening, he asked for dad, so dad went in and sat on his bed. he started telling him where his leftover change was, and just last minute details that seemed as if he was "wrapping things up." grandma was in the living room, so I asked her if she'd like to go in the bedroom to be with grandpa. I told her he had just told dad he felt like he was doing worse and worse. so, she wanted to go. we walked in, and I walked her close to his bed. he smiled and reached for her hand. she took his hand and said, "how are you feeling?" he replied with tears and said, "I think this is my last night." she turned to me and said, "I can't hear him, what did he say?" I, through my tears and holding her, said, "he told you he thinks this is his lastnight." she started to cry and said, "he did?" and then turned back to him and said, "I miss you." he pulled at her hand and said, "come here, I want to kiss you." we helped her walk close to the bed and she sat on the side of the bed and held him and cried while he kissed her goodbye.

he wanted to make sure she had dinner, and asked a few times, "did you have your dinner? what did you have? did you have soup?"

I got her ready for bed and put her in her hospital bed, facing grandpa, moved everything out of the way so she had a clear line of site to him.

she loves him. he loves her. more than anything in the world, I want my life to be as full as theirs has been.

there are times I let little things get in the way of what really matters. I start to get frustrated over not having directions I need, over icy roads, over windshield wipers that don't work. over a pen that doesn't work when I "desperately" need it. over an iphone that isn't displaying directions I finally got, appropriately, and because I'm so focused on trying to figure it out, I nearly take out a guardrale. sure, these things matter, they do. and yet, when it comes down to it, it really just doesn't.

lastnight, I was headed in to Columbus to have dinner with my cousins and all of the aforementioned things were happening, one right after another. to the point that I was like, wait a second, what is going on here? what is the deeper issue here? so, I started praying. and as I committed my time, my drive, my car...all of it to the Father...He brought other things to mind that need to be interceeded on behalf of. by the time I got to the edge of Columbus, I was thrilled with the time I was having with the Father and the ways He was allowing me to be a part of his Kingdom with intercession. and, I realized what the bigger picture really was.

yesterday Grandpa started getting sick. his BP skyrocketed and he threw up a few times. he's weak and a bit dizzy, but otherwise in no pain. he slept most of the day and never really wanted to get up. by evening, his bp was up to 218/108. not good. so, dad helped him to bed and I went to sleep in the night duty room as usual. I wasn't sure if I'd get any sleep, unsure how the night would go, how Grandma would do, if Grandpa would need anything. and yet, it was quiet, too quiet. Grandma didn't sleep much, she was concerned. but, Grandpa slept all night and seemed to sleep soundly.

this morning, dad called the doctor and they said he needs to get to ER quickly. after talking to Grandpa, they decided we wouldn't take him in. he said he's lived a good life and he's not in pain, so he'd rather just stay here. we'll do our best to keep him as comfortable as we can, but its hard. its hard to see, its hard to know he can't last long in these conditions. I went in to check on him a few minutes ago, asked him how he was doing, and what it felt like. he said, "it feels like I'm just ready to go." he said there is no pain, he just wants to rest. and Grandma won't leave his side. even if she's not sleeping, she's in her bed, next to him, just watching him. I asked her how her heart was, if she was doing ok and she said, "I'm not sure..."

what really matters? at the end of the day, when the windshield wipers haven't worked well, when I've gotten frustrated with directions...what really matters, is the last moments I get with two of the wisest people I know. two people who have passionately loved and followed Jesus. who have spoken truth and have shared Jesus with many. they have walked in integrity, with strong character. they have built a strong, deeply rooted family on God's heart and promises. they are leaving a legacy.

thats what really matters.

I decided it was time for a new template. so, I do what I know to do and start searching the interweb for free templates for my blog. turns out, there are plenty. so, I find the one I love the most, follow the directions for entering an HTML template, but not minding the part about "if you don't want to lose the information from your current template, please download and save to your desktop for future use." didn't think I needed it?!

so, I click on my blog site and happy with what I see, I start trying to figure out how to make edits, how to change the side bar, how to add new posts, how to organize it all. I'm completely locked out and unable to do anything to my blog. no edits, no changes, no new posts. hmm, no idea. so, I change my status on facebook, asking for help! but, no help arrives!? where are all my web genius friends?!!! they've left me!! how will anyone ever find my blog if this one dies and I have to start a new one?? do I have to start from scratch?? now what??

I slept on it. and that was a smart idea.

this morning, I get up and think, "I wonder what might happen if I just type in "blogspot.com", maybe I can re-log in or something. turns out, when I typed that in, it takes me directly to my editing dashboard! ha! yesss! I'm a happy girl, a very happy girl. not only do I have my red couch that I love, I now have access to making changes on my blog, my very sweet, new RED blog, mind you!

oh the things I worry about?!! :)