A day in the life of...

sometimes I wonder why I can't just be consistent with writing and keeping up this blog. and then my very next thought? bah. does it matter? don't get me wrong, I do want to keep you updated on life and things going on, but I also am a little wierded out by the fact that anyone in this entire world has access to this and my ramblings. so. yeah.

the past few months have been really, really good. in some aspects. really, really hard in other aspects. and, because of the fact that the whole world does indeed have access and there are some things that are just better held close, I won't go into detail. in short, sickness and disease when it hits close, seem to be some of lifes more difficult challenges. these are the moments when trust is put on the line. do I really believe God has plans to not harm, but to prosper? do I believe He loves us enough to walk us through some very dark times? do I believe he won't give us more than we can handle? yes. yes, I do. I cling to these promises daily.

and, on the home front...grandma keeps keeping on. it seems like with each day, there is just a gradual slowing. this morning, as I was sitting her up in bed, she said, "I just can't do it." when I asked her what, she didn't respond. so, I asked, "do you feel like you can't walk or stand?" "no, I can stand." so, wondering what exactly it was that she felt she couldn't do, I helped her to the restroom to get ready for her day. again, I asked her if she could tell me what it was that she couldn't do. "I can't go there." she wasn't able to and didn't want to talk about it. yesterday we had a similar interaction of her telling me she was having deep thoughts, but that she couldn't talk about it. I'm not always sure what all of this means or what is happening inside. some days I just have to wonder if the aging process is just difficult and perhaps scary. I can't imagine being 89, after living such a full, rich life, pouring your heart into people and doing your best to serve God in every aspect and then to struggle to even articulate what is happening in your head and heart. as we walked past her bed to the kitchen this morning, she paused and looked at it and said, "my bed looks pretty good." I asked her if she'd like some breakfast before she crawled back in and she said she did. however, she was just pretty ready to crawl back in. life is slowing and sleep is welcomed.

this week I had the special gift of two very cherished visitors. its amazing what good, challenging, encouraging, deep conversation does for the heart. I'm convinced now more than ever that isolation is extremely unhealthy. we need people. we need fellowship. we need conversation. we need community. we need those people who are willing to speak truth into our lives, who will challenge and push us, but then encourage and love us where we are. it needs to go deep and honest, it needs to push us to the Father's heart. I'm greatful for friends and family who play this role in my life. I'm so blessed.

I guess its been a few days and after the amount of posting I was doing last week, you're probably wondering what has happened. not a whole lot really. although, I did get sick for a few days which slowed my already incredibly slow life down to less than a crawl.

grandpa continues to do well. its incredible to think that this time last week, he was saying his goodbyes. its surreal really. I believed him, because he believed it. and, for as long as I've known grandpa Showalter, he's usually right! not this time. it wasn't his last night, and we truly have no idea when his last night will be. he's doing very well. well, as well as a 90 year old probably should be doing! he's still loving on grandma, making sure she's comfortable and taken care of. and I love it. I love watching him love her. its pretty sweet.

last Friday I had a quick, fleeting hope that turned into a prayer. asking Jesus to let Keith and Rhoda get here before Grandpa passes away. and, He did. they got back from Nepal lastnight and were able to stop by today to see them. its just pretty special the timing the Father has.

this weekend we travel and then I'm gone for a few weeks. and, I can't help but wonder what will happen while I'm gone. but there again, I have to trust, I have to just rest in the fact that His ways are not my ways, His thoughts are not mine. He has such great plans, that will bring glory to Himself, and thats what counts. and, its what counts for all areas of this season of life.