A day in the life of...

sometimes I wonder why I can't just be consistent with writing and keeping up this blog. and then my very next thought? bah. does it matter? don't get me wrong, I do want to keep you updated on life and things going on, but I also am a little wierded out by the fact that anyone in this entire world has access to this and my ramblings. so. yeah.

the past few months have been really, really good. in some aspects. really, really hard in other aspects. and, because of the fact that the whole world does indeed have access and there are some things that are just better held close, I won't go into detail. in short, sickness and disease when it hits close, seem to be some of lifes more difficult challenges. these are the moments when trust is put on the line. do I really believe God has plans to not harm, but to prosper? do I believe He loves us enough to walk us through some very dark times? do I believe he won't give us more than we can handle? yes. yes, I do. I cling to these promises daily.

and, on the home front...grandma keeps keeping on. it seems like with each day, there is just a gradual slowing. this morning, as I was sitting her up in bed, she said, "I just can't do it." when I asked her what, she didn't respond. so, I asked, "do you feel like you can't walk or stand?" "no, I can stand." so, wondering what exactly it was that she felt she couldn't do, I helped her to the restroom to get ready for her day. again, I asked her if she could tell me what it was that she couldn't do. "I can't go there." she wasn't able to and didn't want to talk about it. yesterday we had a similar interaction of her telling me she was having deep thoughts, but that she couldn't talk about it. I'm not always sure what all of this means or what is happening inside. some days I just have to wonder if the aging process is just difficult and perhaps scary. I can't imagine being 89, after living such a full, rich life, pouring your heart into people and doing your best to serve God in every aspect and then to struggle to even articulate what is happening in your head and heart. as we walked past her bed to the kitchen this morning, she paused and looked at it and said, "my bed looks pretty good." I asked her if she'd like some breakfast before she crawled back in and she said she did. however, she was just pretty ready to crawl back in. life is slowing and sleep is welcomed.

this week I had the special gift of two very cherished visitors. its amazing what good, challenging, encouraging, deep conversation does for the heart. I'm convinced now more than ever that isolation is extremely unhealthy. we need people. we need fellowship. we need conversation. we need community. we need those people who are willing to speak truth into our lives, who will challenge and push us, but then encourage and love us where we are. it needs to go deep and honest, it needs to push us to the Father's heart. I'm greatful for friends and family who play this role in my life. I'm so blessed.

I do. I doubt. I question my worth, my value. I question really, if I have enough faith, if that mountain will move. I doubt that there really are indeed good things in store for me. I doubt my purpose and my future. I doubt that my dreams have purpose and that God really truly wants to fulfill them. I imagine maybe they're silly and worthless, instead of agreeing with the fact that as I delight myself in the Father, He WILL plant HIS desires in me...for a purpose.

thats a lot of doubting. and, lately, God's been convicting me on the sin in that. I've identified with a lie if I've believed that God doesn't love me. doesn't have a plan for my life. doesn't want to fulfill those dreams He's put in my heart. didn't create me with purpose, for a reason, in His image. its sin. I've agreed with something other than the heart of God. and I want to change that. I want to agree with truth. consistently.

its easy for me to believe these things for everyone else. I can believe and agree and affirm that He has created you for good things. that He has a great plan for your life. that there is purpose in the ways He has you waiting, or the ways He's currently stretching you. I can see the bigger picture. for you.

why is it so hard for me to grasp and truly internalize these things for me? is it just me, or is this a common problem? do I have some innate, deep rooted issue? why can't I have the faith of a child? what is the faith of a child? its a kid that will jump off a counter top and believe that you're not going to let them crash to the floor. its a kid that believes that when they're hungry, mom will get them something to eat. its a kid that truly believes that if they ask Jesus for a bike, He'll provide one. after all, why wouldn't He? I did that once. I asked Jesus for a new bike. guess what, He gave me one! so why do I still doubt? has He ever, ever let me down? has He ever not provided for me? has He ever allowed anything I can't handle?

no. no, He most certainly hasn't. He has blessed me so, so much. He has given me an amazing, awesome family. He has given me deep, incredible friendships. He has provided the necessity's in life. I have so much more than I need. I even have some things I want?! imagine that. :)

I want to walk in the faith of a child. I want to agree with the truth that the Father has created me with great purpose. HIS purpose. to be loved by Him, to love Him, to love others well, to worship Him and to be Jesus to the people around me. I want to walk in these truths. consistently. its a journey. I'm far from perfect. so far. I know that its a day to day walk. but I want this lesson to continue to go deep, to be rooted so firmly in me that I never question what truth is. I'm not here for me. I'm not created for my pleasure. I'm created for HIS pleasure. and the minute I get caught up in questioning His plans, His provision, His fulfillment of MY dreams...I become selfish, I lose focus on what really matters, I forget who I am and WHO I belong to.

I don't ever want to forget that again.

...and speaking of faith? an hour after I wrote this, I was asking Jesus, if it would please Him and could be part of his plan, to get me onto an earlier flight out of Philly so I could get home to attend a Christmas program with mom and dad. and despite the crazy logistics, the flight agent who didn't start out very nice and my temptation to doubt? Jesus got me a seat on that earlier flight. and it turned out I was "a service to US Air?!"

He loves me. a lot.