A day in the life of...

...the inner rumblings.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

not-so-pointless

who posted? Kristine |

I started yesterday with a pointless post, and I'm back, with a not-so-pointless post. 


my heart is wondering. all over. there are many thoughts, emotions, places to wonder. yet, as I sit, on the back porch of a close friends house, alone, yet not alone, I see God all around me. I'm sitting, on the edge of a beautiful lake. the birds are talking, there are two golden retrievers coming and going from my side, the fish are jumping. the weather is perfect. God is here. there is peace. 

I just got a note from a good friend, reminding me of God's goodness. regardless of the unknown's. regardless of the questions. regardless of the future. God sees me, right here, right now. He cares for me, He loves my heart. there is this deep rooted peace and rest in my spirit. 

I'm in Juneau. the place I don't care too much for. yet, even here, there is peace. while being here brings many questions and a bit of angst because it reminds me of the winter and the pain, frustration and distraught feelings I had for nearly 3 months. it reminds me of things I don't care to be reminded of. still, its the past. there was good even in those moments. God uses these times to refine, to prune, to make us more into the image's He has created us to have. 

I don't know what is next, I don't know how I will pay my mortgage, I don't know where I will live, or where I will find community. I don't know if I will be close to family or not. I don't know if I will walk through another dreaded Alaskan winter. I don't know if I will be in a "serious" relationship or not. I don't know if I will be in politics or not. I don't know many things. 

but this I do know. my Father loves me. He has created me in His image. He has awesome things in store for me. He cares for me. He loves my heart. He loves what He sees. He knows my deepest, most intense longings. He knows me. He deeply, intimately knows me. He has created me with purpose, for a reason, with a design. 

this I will cling to and its not-so-pointless.

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Wednesday, June 18, 2008

pointless

who posted? Kristine |

sometimes I think I'd like to write a completely pointless post. yet, with my over-active, analytical mind, I always seem to find something deeper, more introspective to chat about. well, not today.


this morning I got up at the crack of dawn to make my monthly, or in this month's case, bi-monthly trek to Juneau to check in on my staff and get caught up on Juneau life and politics. my alarm went off at 5:07a and was snoozed till 5:11a when I finally drug my sleepy head out of bed and into the shower. Keith, in all his gracious, cold-infested, goodness, dropped me at the airport at 6:51a and I made my way to check in. After getting my bags checked, I headed towards security. now, if I may, without being overly obnoxious, say...I looked professional, classy and far from, well, skanky. I had on dressy black capri's and a light blue, 3/4 length sweater, with sling-back heels. classy but not over-done. as I pulled into the security line, I see four guys, approximately my age but likely a bit younger. now, these guys don't look particularly "bad" or sleazy, so as I walk up, I smile and then move on about my business the way I do with all self-respecting citizens. as we move through the security line, they continue to watch me, smiling and talking amongst themselves. I quit making eye-contact. clearly they had no tact. once through security, I made a quick stop at Starbucks, got my coffee and went to the gate. at the gate, I was on the phone with a certain someone, and noticed the same 4 "stalkers" walk up and stand not too far away. I made myself busy, talking, thoroughly engaged in my conversation and again, not making eye contact. still, they continued to smile and talk and very openly watch me. finally, they got on the plane and I lost track of them. 

upon arriving in Juneau, I make a b-line for the Budget rental car to pick up my sweet ride. (Thanks to Kelly, I had the sweetest ride in town, a white Dodge Charger, I've lovingly dubbed, "my white chick, pimp mobile.") all set, with key's in hand, I headed for baggage claim. as I walked up to the belt, one of the four guys approached me and says, "so, uh, how long are you staying in town?" I replied, "3 days." "so uh, do you like want to go out with us some night, like for dinner or something?" "no thank you." "why not?!!" "um, because I don't live here and I am with someone." "so, why dont you want to go with us, you should just meet us for dinner, its like all of us. come on, you should just come. do you know where the (some random hotel I can't remember!) is? we're working there, you should stop by, you should go out with us." "um, ok, whatever." and I walked away. 

really?? this kind of thing doesn't happen to me. and, after an experience like that, I'm quite glad it doesn't. there was nothing classy, nothing mature or attractive about the approach taken. what about that makes a girl want to say "yes?" I really just don't get it.

and, thats my pointless story of the day. its all I've got. 

its Juneau. there's rain. I'm over it and really ok with that. my good friends have let me stay at their house while they're out of town and its quite the retreat, by the lake, in the trees...gorgeous! 

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Wednesday, June 11, 2008

purpose...

who posted? Kristine |

I've come, I've gone, I've been, I've seen. I'm not even sure where to start other than that I don't like how many "I's" there are already in this blog. there are many question marks in my world, in my life, in my future. there are many unknowns, things I can't change, things that can't be controlled. and strangely, I'm really ok with it.


I would call myself a control freak in some ways. there always seems to need to be an element of control, of planning, of order in my life in order for me to be ok. I seem to think I need to be able to see a certain amount of feet in front of me. Jesus is changing this. I've lost some of that planning element, that understanding of what is coming, of how to plan.

during my time in Juneau, there was a period of breaking and submitting. God allowed me to see my need to release control of my circumstances, my job, my future and my plan. there was too much "my" in the way and it needed to be fully broken and released. there was pain, there was frustration, there was fear...and then there was peace, calm, trust and rest in my spirit.

since then, I don't know what is next. there is no clue as to where I should walk from here, of how to proceed, but there is peace.

my job could chance, my home situation could chance, my geography could change...my world could change. there are ways that I feel desperate for change, for growth, for some upheaval from my current state. and yet, I know that at the right time, the Father will do that, in HIS way, HIS time, HIS plan, with HIS PURPOSE. after all, is that not why I'm here in the first place?

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Wednesday, June 04, 2008

change

who posted? Kristine |

can you tell I'm sick of my template? I am. I'm ready for change. change in all areas. it feels as if things have been the same in a lot of areas for far too long. change is healthy, its growth, its productive, its maturity, is painful. its good. it removes stagnate things.

I have much to report on. little time. mostly, I just wanted to say, "hey, I'm alive, I'm here, God is good...and, I'll post more later. when I feel like it. for now, I don't feel like it."

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