I do. I doubt. I question my worth, my value. I question really, if I have enough faith, if that mountain will move. I doubt that there really are indeed good things in store for me. I doubt my purpose and my future. I doubt that my dreams have purpose and that God really truly wants to fulfill them. I imagine maybe they're silly and worthless, instead of agreeing with the fact that as I delight myself in the Father, He WILL plant HIS desires in me...for a purpose.
thats a lot of doubting. and, lately, God's been convicting me on the sin in that. I've identified with a lie if I've believed that God doesn't love me. doesn't have a plan for my life. doesn't want to fulfill those dreams He's put in my heart. didn't create me with purpose, for a reason, in His image. its sin. I've agreed with something other than the heart of God. and I want to change that. I want to agree with truth. consistently.
its easy for me to believe these things for everyone else. I can believe and agree and affirm that He has created you for good things. that He has a great plan for your life. that there is purpose in the ways He has you waiting, or the ways He's currently stretching you. I can see the bigger picture. for you.
why is it so hard for me to grasp and truly internalize these things for me? is it just me, or is this a common problem? do I have some innate, deep rooted issue? why can't I have the faith of a child? what is the faith of a child? its a kid that will jump off a counter top and believe that you're not going to let them crash to the floor. its a kid that believes that when they're hungry, mom will get them something to eat. its a kid that truly believes that if they ask Jesus for a bike, He'll provide one. after all, why wouldn't He? I did that once. I asked Jesus for a new bike. guess what, He gave me one! so why do I still doubt? has He ever, ever let me down? has He ever not provided for me? has He ever allowed anything I can't handle?
no. no, He most certainly hasn't. He has blessed me so, so much. He has given me an amazing, awesome family. He has given me deep, incredible friendships. He has provided the necessity's in life. I have so much more than I need. I even have some things I want?! imagine that. :)
I want to walk in the faith of a child. I want to agree with the truth that the Father has created me with great purpose. HIS purpose. to be loved by Him, to love Him, to love others well, to worship Him and to be Jesus to the people around me. I want to walk in these truths. consistently. its a journey. I'm far from perfect. so far. I know that its a day to day walk. but I want this lesson to continue to go deep, to be rooted so firmly in me that I never question what truth is. I'm not here for me. I'm not created for my pleasure. I'm created for HIS pleasure. and the minute I get caught up in questioning His plans, His provision, His fulfillment of MY dreams...I become selfish, I lose focus on what really matters, I forget who I am and WHO I belong to.
I don't ever want to forget that again.
...and speaking of faith? an hour after I wrote this, I was asking Jesus, if it would please Him and could be part of his plan, to get me onto an earlier flight out of Philly so I could get home to attend a Christmas program with mom and dad. and despite the crazy logistics, the flight agent who didn't start out very nice and my temptation to doubt? Jesus got me a seat on that earlier flight. and it turned out I was "a service to US Air?!"
He loves me. a lot.
Wells
10 years ago
2 responses:
when i think of 'faith like a child' it just seems so myopic- not in a bad way at all- but children just don't have the perspective of all the things that could go wrong, that do go wrong...so when i hear that phrase, it confirms in my mind, that for me, faith isn't the lack of doubt, faith is choosing to believe in that something that is bigger than my doubt. which i admit is really hard because sometimes my doubt consumes my vision and i can see nothing but it, so it's in that moment, day, year, whatever, that i have to adjust my view and choose to see around it. and that's when i most often find my doubts are really nothing more than shadows: they seem frightening and daunting but are harmless in reality.
so faith and doubt. i think they coexist for me. the presence of doubt doesn't negate my faith...it's ultimately what i choose to do with my doubts that makes them either faith drainers or faith invigorators...
oh, I like it. genius! thanks for sharing that, thats good stuff!
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