A day in the life of...

this morning I've been perusing some old friends blogs. oh the memories. its amazing to see people change, grow, mature and becoming all that we've been created to be. and, to remember where we've come from, what we've changed out of, what we've been saved from.

I've also been reading Christmas posts. and, I hesitated to even write something because I wasn't sure where to go with it. but here I am. and here I go.

this Christmas the thing that has been the biggest treasure to me has been time with family and close friends. the kindred spirits. the hearts that are seeking growth, change, pursuit of holiness. the conversations of what it means to love. to forgive. to change. to serve. the iron sharpening iron. the challenges of becoming more of who we are created to be. the times of intercession. of thankfulness and expressing the deepest greatfulness in our hearts. these are the things that fill my heart, that bring joy, that overwhelm me with what life is all about and with what God has so richly blessed me with.

I've been in Pennsylvania the last week. tomorrow I head to NY for a week or two. and, I'm blessed. very blessed with an amazing family and incredible friends. I lack nothing. sure there are dreams. there are desires. there are things I'd love to do and see and experience in life. but for now. I lack nothing.

(oh, and there's this)

if you visit my blog, whether you're a first timer, or a regular. I'd love to hear from you, know why you come, what your thoughts are, what your response is to the deep or not so deep things are that I rant about. I'd just love to hear from you. I'd love to "meet" you! :)

so, you know that whole hip surgery deal back in August? well, I refuse to let it win. I'm at month 4 and still not 100%, but hey, it is month 4 right?

monday I went for my first run since surgery. it was short and it was sweet, but it was a run none-the-less. and frankly, it didn't feel too bad. then, I got sick for a few days, so haven't run since, but oh, do I intend to!!

the idea of never running distance again just about kills me. no more marathons or half's? not ok. I must. and yet, I also realize I may just need to let it go all together at some point. but for now, I'm not quite ready. not at least until I try a few more runs and decide its never to be.

for now, I'll keep working towards it, keep building miles, keep adding a bit of speed...slowly, I know! but I will be persistent. the surgery won't win on this one. no sir, it won't.

and, if anyone has suggestions for quick recovery of my running schedule, I'm all ears! :)

I guess its been a few days and after the amount of posting I was doing last week, you're probably wondering what has happened. not a whole lot really. although, I did get sick for a few days which slowed my already incredibly slow life down to less than a crawl.

grandpa continues to do well. its incredible to think that this time last week, he was saying his goodbyes. its surreal really. I believed him, because he believed it. and, for as long as I've known grandpa Showalter, he's usually right! not this time. it wasn't his last night, and we truly have no idea when his last night will be. he's doing very well. well, as well as a 90 year old probably should be doing! he's still loving on grandma, making sure she's comfortable and taken care of. and I love it. I love watching him love her. its pretty sweet.

last Friday I had a quick, fleeting hope that turned into a prayer. asking Jesus to let Keith and Rhoda get here before Grandpa passes away. and, He did. they got back from Nepal lastnight and were able to stop by today to see them. its just pretty special the timing the Father has.

this weekend we travel and then I'm gone for a few weeks. and, I can't help but wonder what will happen while I'm gone. but there again, I have to trust, I have to just rest in the fact that His ways are not my ways, His thoughts are not mine. He has such great plans, that will bring glory to Himself, and thats what counts. and, its what counts for all areas of this season of life.

my fear in actually posting this, is that my uncles will disown me! :) and that perchance, my cousins will show up on the front door step to beat me or worse, stone me?!

when I first got here, dad warned me, "grandma can fall for anyone, you included. so, just be prepared." right. of course. I know this. sure it could happen, but I just won't let it! mmhmm.

and before I even describe the events of this marvelous afternoon, I just need to tell you that last week, grandma thought I was awesome! dad asked her if I was taking good enough care of her and she says, "oh yes!" and so dad asked what specifically that meant. she replied, "because she gives me everything I want!"

I, was in her good graces.

so today...

grandma got up from her nap, went to the restroom and we were making the trek to her rocking chair in the living room. we got up to the chair and were about to do the swivel to get her in place, but there was a pillow on her chair that needed to be moved before she could sit down. so, I took a step in front of her, and to her right, and reached for the pillow. as I did this, she started to lean and lean and lean some more...to her left. and from there, straight to the ground! laughing, the whole way down. I however, wasn't laughing! I was shaking, convinced we were about to break the good hip that was used to provide stability, strength and all mobility!

so, I yelled for dad and he helped her get up. once she was up, I said, "grandma, that wasn't fun! lets not ever do that again, I'm shaking!" she chuckled and said, "I thought it was fun!!"

she's fine, nothing was broken, except perhaps my pride.

and grandpa?? well, you'd never know he had high BP and was saying his goodbyes just a few days ago. he's up, he's chipper, he's eating, he's back helping get grandma situated the way he thinks she should be. he's just fine, so it seems.

what a life we live!

I do. I doubt. I question my worth, my value. I question really, if I have enough faith, if that mountain will move. I doubt that there really are indeed good things in store for me. I doubt my purpose and my future. I doubt that my dreams have purpose and that God really truly wants to fulfill them. I imagine maybe they're silly and worthless, instead of agreeing with the fact that as I delight myself in the Father, He WILL plant HIS desires in me...for a purpose.

thats a lot of doubting. and, lately, God's been convicting me on the sin in that. I've identified with a lie if I've believed that God doesn't love me. doesn't have a plan for my life. doesn't want to fulfill those dreams He's put in my heart. didn't create me with purpose, for a reason, in His image. its sin. I've agreed with something other than the heart of God. and I want to change that. I want to agree with truth. consistently.

its easy for me to believe these things for everyone else. I can believe and agree and affirm that He has created you for good things. that He has a great plan for your life. that there is purpose in the ways He has you waiting, or the ways He's currently stretching you. I can see the bigger picture. for you.

why is it so hard for me to grasp and truly internalize these things for me? is it just me, or is this a common problem? do I have some innate, deep rooted issue? why can't I have the faith of a child? what is the faith of a child? its a kid that will jump off a counter top and believe that you're not going to let them crash to the floor. its a kid that believes that when they're hungry, mom will get them something to eat. its a kid that truly believes that if they ask Jesus for a bike, He'll provide one. after all, why wouldn't He? I did that once. I asked Jesus for a new bike. guess what, He gave me one! so why do I still doubt? has He ever, ever let me down? has He ever not provided for me? has He ever allowed anything I can't handle?

no. no, He most certainly hasn't. He has blessed me so, so much. He has given me an amazing, awesome family. He has given me deep, incredible friendships. He has provided the necessity's in life. I have so much more than I need. I even have some things I want?! imagine that. :)

I want to walk in the faith of a child. I want to agree with the truth that the Father has created me with great purpose. HIS purpose. to be loved by Him, to love Him, to love others well, to worship Him and to be Jesus to the people around me. I want to walk in these truths. consistently. its a journey. I'm far from perfect. so far. I know that its a day to day walk. but I want this lesson to continue to go deep, to be rooted so firmly in me that I never question what truth is. I'm not here for me. I'm not created for my pleasure. I'm created for HIS pleasure. and the minute I get caught up in questioning His plans, His provision, His fulfillment of MY dreams...I become selfish, I lose focus on what really matters, I forget who I am and WHO I belong to.

I don't ever want to forget that again.

...and speaking of faith? an hour after I wrote this, I was asking Jesus, if it would please Him and could be part of his plan, to get me onto an earlier flight out of Philly so I could get home to attend a Christmas program with mom and dad. and despite the crazy logistics, the flight agent who didn't start out very nice and my temptation to doubt? Jesus got me a seat on that earlier flight. and it turned out I was "a service to US Air?!"

He loves me. a lot.

on the plane today, I started back into a book by Eldredge that I've been slowly making my way through, "Walking with God." I love it. he speaks so much truth. he reminds us of ways we make agreements with lies that need to be renounced, and then how to make agreements with truth. today the focus was not trying so hard to make things happen. I identified with it and I wanted to share...

"I gave God permission, when we were driving back from the hospital on Labor Day weekend, to rebuild my personality based on His love. Right now I don't feel that its based on His love at all. It feels built upon Make it Happen.

Even though my hands are both in casts, making it hard to make things happen, its not impossible. I could miss this opportunity for transformation and just push through. But my soul needs healing here, in this. Even this morning, while praying and reading Scripture, flies were buzzing on the window, and I felt I should take a magazine and kill them. Take care of that. Like I could hit a moving object. I couldn't even hit a slug right now, but that doesn't occur to me. I ought to get those flies is but one of a hundred versions of Make it Happen.

Lord Jesus, have mercy. This is so deep in me. I hardly know what to do, what to say. Have mercy. Heal me here, in this. Heal me in your love...

...Jesus, I sanctify all of my gifts and all of my abilities to make it happen to you now. I bring them to you, Jesus, to serve you and not my godless approach to life. I ask that your love would heal that part of me that feels I must make it happen, that all things--especially my happiness--are up to me. I invite your love to come to this place and heal. And, Jesus, I repent of that part of me that needs to make things happen. I transfer my trust from my ability to make things happen to your love and goodness." --John Eldredge, Walking with God, pg. 102-104.

one thing you need to understand about Grandpa Showalter, if you don't already, is that he's generally serious. life is serious. we have responsibilities, we should take things seriously and at times, somberly. He's just a sober person. don't get me wrong, Grandpa does laugh, he does enjoy humor, he smiles, he is kind and gentle. but for the most part, he's pretty serious.

yesterday afternoon and evening, when he seemed to have made a conscious decision that his time was near, he started smiling, a lot. he was almost chipper. he was at peace. there was a sense of giddyness in him. unlike I've seen in years, if ever. something had switched.

this morning, he's up, he's in his chair. he's had something to eat. and, his blood pressure is back down to normal. he slept all night and with the lowering of his BP, he seems to be feeling just a bit better. but the grin, that smile on his face, the excitement exuding from him? its still there. he knows his time is near and he's excited. he's so ready to see Jesus.

these last 48 hours or so have been absolutely incredible for me. we really don't know when exactly Grandpa will go see Jesus. thats not something we can predict, but as he is preparing, anticipating, getting ready for that moment, its like we get to stand there on the edge of heaven with him. it must be one of the sweetest things. I could have chosen to stay in Alaska, to not change much, to not quit my job, to not make the big move, to sit in apprehension of the future and not take the plunge into the unknown. but I didn't. and now? now I get these precious, precious moments with two of the most amazing people I've known in my life. I get to soak in their grace and wisdom, the love they have for each other, the love they have for Jesus. I get to experience something great.

I've never seen a couple, so in love, so aware of eachother, so deeply caring for eachother.

as I mentioned in my last post, grandpa isn't doing well. he's been in bed the last two days, not eating, throwing up and with very high blood pressure.

this evening, he asked for dad, so dad went in and sat on his bed. he started telling him where his leftover change was, and just last minute details that seemed as if he was "wrapping things up." grandma was in the living room, so I asked her if she'd like to go in the bedroom to be with grandpa. I told her he had just told dad he felt like he was doing worse and worse. so, she wanted to go. we walked in, and I walked her close to his bed. he smiled and reached for her hand. she took his hand and said, "how are you feeling?" he replied with tears and said, "I think this is my last night." she turned to me and said, "I can't hear him, what did he say?" I, through my tears and holding her, said, "he told you he thinks this is his lastnight." she started to cry and said, "he did?" and then turned back to him and said, "I miss you." he pulled at her hand and said, "come here, I want to kiss you." we helped her walk close to the bed and she sat on the side of the bed and held him and cried while he kissed her goodbye.

he wanted to make sure she had dinner, and asked a few times, "did you have your dinner? what did you have? did you have soup?"

I got her ready for bed and put her in her hospital bed, facing grandpa, moved everything out of the way so she had a clear line of site to him.

she loves him. he loves her. more than anything in the world, I want my life to be as full as theirs has been.

there are times I let little things get in the way of what really matters. I start to get frustrated over not having directions I need, over icy roads, over windshield wipers that don't work. over a pen that doesn't work when I "desperately" need it. over an iphone that isn't displaying directions I finally got, appropriately, and because I'm so focused on trying to figure it out, I nearly take out a guardrale. sure, these things matter, they do. and yet, when it comes down to it, it really just doesn't.

lastnight, I was headed in to Columbus to have dinner with my cousins and all of the aforementioned things were happening, one right after another. to the point that I was like, wait a second, what is going on here? what is the deeper issue here? so, I started praying. and as I committed my time, my drive, my car...all of it to the Father...He brought other things to mind that need to be interceeded on behalf of. by the time I got to the edge of Columbus, I was thrilled with the time I was having with the Father and the ways He was allowing me to be a part of his Kingdom with intercession. and, I realized what the bigger picture really was.

yesterday Grandpa started getting sick. his BP skyrocketed and he threw up a few times. he's weak and a bit dizzy, but otherwise in no pain. he slept most of the day and never really wanted to get up. by evening, his bp was up to 218/108. not good. so, dad helped him to bed and I went to sleep in the night duty room as usual. I wasn't sure if I'd get any sleep, unsure how the night would go, how Grandma would do, if Grandpa would need anything. and yet, it was quiet, too quiet. Grandma didn't sleep much, she was concerned. but, Grandpa slept all night and seemed to sleep soundly.

this morning, dad called the doctor and they said he needs to get to ER quickly. after talking to Grandpa, they decided we wouldn't take him in. he said he's lived a good life and he's not in pain, so he'd rather just stay here. we'll do our best to keep him as comfortable as we can, but its hard. its hard to see, its hard to know he can't last long in these conditions. I went in to check on him a few minutes ago, asked him how he was doing, and what it felt like. he said, "it feels like I'm just ready to go." he said there is no pain, he just wants to rest. and Grandma won't leave his side. even if she's not sleeping, she's in her bed, next to him, just watching him. I asked her how her heart was, if she was doing ok and she said, "I'm not sure..."

what really matters? at the end of the day, when the windshield wipers haven't worked well, when I've gotten frustrated with directions...what really matters, is the last moments I get with two of the wisest people I know. two people who have passionately loved and followed Jesus. who have spoken truth and have shared Jesus with many. they have walked in integrity, with strong character. they have built a strong, deeply rooted family on God's heart and promises. they are leaving a legacy.

thats what really matters.

I decided it was time for a new template. so, I do what I know to do and start searching the interweb for free templates for my blog. turns out, there are plenty. so, I find the one I love the most, follow the directions for entering an HTML template, but not minding the part about "if you don't want to lose the information from your current template, please download and save to your desktop for future use." didn't think I needed it?!

so, I click on my blog site and happy with what I see, I start trying to figure out how to make edits, how to change the side bar, how to add new posts, how to organize it all. I'm completely locked out and unable to do anything to my blog. no edits, no changes, no new posts. hmm, no idea. so, I change my status on facebook, asking for help! but, no help arrives!? where are all my web genius friends?!!! they've left me!! how will anyone ever find my blog if this one dies and I have to start a new one?? do I have to start from scratch?? now what??

I slept on it. and that was a smart idea.

this morning, I get up and think, "I wonder what might happen if I just type in "blogspot.com", maybe I can re-log in or something. turns out, when I typed that in, it takes me directly to my editing dashboard! ha! yesss! I'm a happy girl, a very happy girl. not only do I have my red couch that I love, I now have access to making changes on my blog, my very sweet, new RED blog, mind you!

oh the things I worry about?!! :)

so, I was going back today, re-reading some of my posts from last April and May. remembering the winter in Juneau, the smoke in the Capitol, the questions, the ponderings...reading about how I had so many questions about where God was taking me, what was next, how I would know, what would become of me.

there are definitely still some of those same questions, but mostly, I just need to say that today, here, in this place, I have so much peace. I guess I can't fully see how its all tied together, but to think of all that has happened this year and all that God has taught me, is pretty awesome! to see how far I've come, how much I've been stretched and to now see the rest that is here...well, its just worthy of mentioning! God is just really good and knows my heart, my needs, my dreams, my desires so, so much better than I do. and, I'm grateful!

I was sitting here, trying to think up something deep and profound, but I guess my deepness is left wanting today?! so, the little things of what my day has looked like so far will have to suffice, as potentially un-amusing or uninteresting as they may sound...

we have home health for grandma. every Mon-Fri at 8am, we get a nurses aide at our door, coming to help grandma for the morning. now, as a disclosure, for starters, I'm her over-protective granddaughter and I'm quickly learning how she likes things done. secondly, I worked as an aide for 7 years, in pretty much any and all establishments that utilize the training of a certified nurses aide. that said, some of the "help" we get, just doesn't quite get it. they're super sweet, don't get me wrong, but they can't seem to wrap their minds around the training and specifics we try to fill them in on when they come to help grandma. and, frankly, its frustrating. I want grandma feeling safe, confident and cared for in every possible way. long story short, this morning wasn't the greatest. so, I do my best to let it go, to help as best I can, to be as gentle and honest as I can...and, I still let it go!

thats how it goes in these parts. thats what my days consist of. these are the important things in life right now. and its good.

turns out Ohio isn't all that bad! and the nursing home? also isn't that bad! :) especially when its home to people you particularly love. and, grandpa and grandma showalter happen to be two of those residents I love. a lot.

I've wondered how the change of pace and transition from "busy" to "slow" would go...and I'm pleased to report its going quite well! I sit and wonder, and chuckle at times, at just how different my life has become these days. and, how quickly that change has taken place. I went from watching policies changing, participating in Lt. Governor staff duties, management, writing, etc. from singing on the worship team once or twice a month, going for coffee with girlfriends, taking trips back and forth from dreary Juneau...to simply watching the snow fall. these days, we sit and laugh as Jimi finds his way up on to grandma's lap. we watch the stray dogs wander around the pond, not realizing their fate as dad races for his .22. we notice the temperatures rising and falling, and remark at how quickly its gotten cold. we watch the pond freeze over and estimate how soon we'll be able to walk on it. and, we watch national geographic videos...sometimes. its quiet, very quiet. this Monday, the average age was 78. grandpa's three sisters came to visit for his 90th birthday party and what a riot! the aunts are hilarious! they tell stories, they whistle and hum at the same time, they are easily amused with Jimi skidding across the kitchen floor as they toss his toys. they're a good time!

transition is good. change is good. new perspective and fresh scenery is good, very good. and, my heart is good. its resting. its soaking. I'm still not fully sure of the reason or the purpose of these changes and transitions, but I'm embracing and enjoying them as fully as I can. each day holds simple, little things that bring joy to my heart. its amazing the things you notice when you really just let everything slow to a crawl. I don't think I really knew it was possible! I love action, I love intentional pursuits, I love focused, intense projects, I love busy, I love crowds, I love travel, I love new things, I love goals, I love organization, I love structure and schedule...but, its good to rest too, very good.